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Becoming a Dad

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

I remember when I first found out that I was going to be a father. I was filled with excitement, fear, joy and a bunch of other emotions that you can’t really express unless you’ve been there.

Back then we were living in Virginia and away from all of our family and friends. The decision of how and when to tell people is never an easy thing to do, but we made the best of it and figured it out. We didn’t have things like Twitter or Facebook to tell masses of people at one time, so the news trickled out slowly and surely and it was always fun to have new people find out and get in touch.

This morning my good friend Clarence told the world that he is going to be a poppa and he did it in a way that I’ve never been part of before. He did it by posting the comic below on one of his projects called Planet Wifey. I’ve known about the news for a bit and I’m glad he got the chance (and felt that we were close enough) to tell me in person, but I love that so many other people will find out from this comic.

Planet Wife 2009-10-02

The one thing I tell every guy who tells me they are going to be a Dad for the first time is the same thing a friend from Bentley told me when I told him the news.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “You think you know that you are going to be a Dad, but you really don’t yet. Just wait and at some point, somewhere the news is really going to hit you and then you’ll know you are going to be a dad.”

I laughed it off and then I remember being at a red light, months later on my way home from work when this wave of “oh shit I’m going to be a Dad!” washed over me. I broke down crying and was filled with an even bigger mix of emotions then I had before. I laughed at myself as I realized this is what my friend meant. Now I knew I was going to be a dad.

So, now I give that same bit of advice to every new dad. I also always recommend The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be as my book of choice for guys to read. I read them all and that is the one that stuck with me and was actually written in a way that a guy wants to read and I respected that.

Congrats to Clarence and to all the new Dads out there. It feels like something is in the water lately because there are a lot of new babies on the horizon.

What advice do you give to your friends when they tell you they are becoming fathers? I’d love to hear!

Tags: babies, Family, fathers, parenting
Posted in General Parenting | Comments

The Matter of Life and Death

Sunday, August 23rd, 2009

Jack and the Puppies

Earlier this year, my brother and his wife suffered a terrible loss in their family. Their dachshund, who was a sweet “old girl” of 14 years had reached an age where she was really feeling the affects of her old age. Sadly, they had to put her down and it was a painful loss, especially for my brother who had loved her since she was a puppy.

Here’s what really concerned my wife and I upon this news: how would we explain this to our oldest son, Jack? Even though we all know it’s a part of life, we had been fortunate to sidestep the death issue up to this point. But here we were, suddenly thrust into a position where we might have to explain what happened to one of the sweet little doggies that lived next door.

My wife and I considered not talking about the issue, perhaps lying about her whereabouts, and maybe, just maybe, we would introduce the “D” word and see what happens. Luckily, life sort of figured things out for us. The day before she was put down, we all went over to see her and brought Jack with us. We let him know that she was very sick and he probably wouldn’t see her again. At the age of three, Jack’s attention is constantly pulled in many different directions, but he did take a few moments to pet her gently, calling her a sweet “old girl” before we left. And beyond that, we would address any questions if they came up; they have not.

A few weeks ago, my wife Kerry’s uncle called to tell us that his wife had very suddenly passed away. Kerry flew up to Massachusetts for a few days, but explained to Jack before she left that her aunt was “very sick” and she was going up because her uncle was “very sad.” And just last week, we heard the news that another family member back up North was “not looking good,” and we’re already wondering when we may get that call.

Presenting situations in terms that a toddler can understand is certainly not something new; it seems like we have to “explain” why eating dinner and going to bed at night are necessary. But honesty is another concept we also try to instill in our kids. We believe that, while the world may sometimes be a scary place, you can demystify some of that harshness with truth. There is a time and place for matters such as death – not to mention pregnancy, divorce, jail, and other more “complex” subjects – but it’s helpful to peel back those layers a little at a time.

We know there will be a point where Jack will ask that question we all do: “Am I going to die?” And while it may pain me to shatter some of that sweet innocence, I think the answer Kerry’s dad gave her at the age of 6 is a very fair, honest response: “Not for a very looooooooong time.” And, like all of us, Jack will have to figure out what that answer means to him. I think we’re all still trying to figure that one out.

Tags: death, Family, life
Posted in Children, Emotions | Comments

Being A Dad

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Being a good father is the single hardest thing a man can strive for in this world. It is also the most rewarding thing in life for a guy.

You’ll never hear me call being a father “a job” because it is so much more then that. It is a responsibility, a blessing and a great joy,but it is never ever a job.

It is Father’s Day morning 2009 and as I read through the paper, quickly checked in online and watched the morning news I got very reflective about being a Dad. I’ve got Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories Live playing on iTunes because it always makes me think of my Dad. I have fond memories of hearing this for the first time in the DIY installed tape deck my Dad had put in our blue pick up. He’d never consider himself a “maker” but looking back he sure does have a DIY streak that runs through him.

My Father was very active in my life (and still is). He was tough, but also allowed me to live. I try to remember that now with my kids. Letting them go out and make mistakes is a critical thing, but not an easy thing because you know they are going to get hurt, fail and struggle, but they need to in order to really make it in this world. The only way to learn how to pull yourself back up is if you fall down first.

I look around me and I see a million different ways to be a Dad. Not all I agree with, but you’ll never hear me question someone either. The reason we have so many different people in the world is why we have so many different Dads. I’ve always said that normal is boring and that holds true here. As long as a Dad is active in their child’s life, then how they do it I am not going to question. “To each their own…” is a saying my Dad taught me.

But, what does upset me is how Dads seem to get to play second fiddle in the parenting landscape for a lot of people and that is something I just won’t stand for. Yes, there are plenty of horrible and inattentive fathers out there, but they are not the only ones missing in some kids lives. Some people were just not made to be parents and that stretches beyond just guys.

So, today here on Father’s Day 2009 I really want to see all of us online fathers to band together and figure out how we can break the sterotype of the bumbling guy, laying on the couch, mowing the lawn and not doing that much more. Most of the Dads that I know are much more active then that and I want to figure out how we can work together to make that known by all. I don’t have all the answers, but I certainly know I want to see some change.

To all the Dads out there I want to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. Sure, we don’t need a holiday, but the homemade gifts, silly poems and ties dure do make for a great morning. We celebrated with French Toast and this afternoon I’ll be going to the closing perfomance of my daughters play. Yesterday I got to see my father and my father-in-law. It has been a great weekend and I hope each of you is having as good of a day.

Work hard. Play harder. Be a great Dad!

Tags: dads, Family, Father, Father's Day, Harry Chapin, Parents
Posted in General Parenting | Comments

Who Needs a Dad Site?

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

I noticed over the past year or so that anytime I would blog about my family or kids on my personal blog that the posts would get more comments and more reactions then any other topic I might write about. Combine that with my passion for being a good father and the fact that I think Dads get a bum rap across all forms of media and that made me want to start this site.

Dylan and Emily Wedding

Of course the big reason is these two little people right here. This is my son Dylan and my daughter Emily. They are the reason I do a lot of things in life, but I wanted to do this to share my experiences with them and to share what I learn with you the reader. I certainly don’t have all the answers on how to be a good Dad or how best to raise kids, but I like to think that I am open to share what little I do know and I hope some of you get some good advice out of it.

The idea really started to come to a simmer last summer when I got thinking about how so many of my friends were what I called “Digital Dads.” We shared pictures of our kids online, uploaded home movies and spent a large chunk of time interacting in ways that our fathers never did. I wondered how this would change the next generation of kids. I wondered about this a lot.

I also work in the marketing world. I run a company called The Advance Guard and we work with brands big and small to build buzz, community and awareness around their products and services. We focus on building campaigns with disruptive technologies and social media. I also host a marketing podcast called Managing the Gray. Because of both of these I read about, plan and execute a variety of campaigns and I kept seeing Mommies getting all the attention while Dads sort of being forgotten about.

Now I know a lot of this is due to the fact that there are plenty of Dads involved in online media, but very few write about being a parent on a regular basis. At least I think this why most are ignored for the most part.

What I want out of this site is a way for three Dads (and maybe more some day) to share honest advice on being a Father in today’s world. The hope is to cover a variety of topics that any guy can use. We’ll be posting recipes, talking about sex, reviewing things and of course talking about raising our kids. No topic is off topic so expect some good variety in the coming weeks.

I’m a Digital Dad and damn proud of it. I hope you enjoy what you find here.