Posts About ‘Family’

Father’s Day For The Devil

Sunday, June 17th, 2012

*Click* – snap! At the age of three, I had slumbered into the silent morning light of the living room scene. It had been an innocent morning when I noticed an attractive black gloss of a toy-stick on the coffee table. I went over and decided to press on one of its shiny silver pearl buttons. When I did, however, all I could remember was hearing the break in silence by a sudden chrome spear shone menacingly in front of my eye. Though my eye spared, my childhood innocence was sliced by the snap stare of a stiletto knife, with the christening chrome blade point hovering an inch from my eye.

At that moment, I had no concern for myself, but did feel paralyzing fear for what could happen to others by what I just did. Fear pierced my mind and hurt came into my soul because I knew to whom that knife belonged, and the vision of my mother’s screams at his hands. With that last thought, I fell to sleep in the moment. This is my earliest memory, and the implications have been far reaching in themes throughout my life – as earliest of recollections do.

My father killed people. On a whim, by his family request, or for whatever other reason he chose, he just did. That he was an alcoholic and full of violence was par for the course because his main goal was to strike fear and put others’ life on the line to gamble with. For a number of reasons and experiences related to this, you could have called him a sociopath, but he was more regularly known by my family as the devil.

I make the distinction between his and my family because my parents divorced, and the last day I saw him was at a jail yard playground when I was five and my mother was serving him divorce papers. Although he didn’t remain in jail for long, I never did see him again after that, so he never became part of my family that I knew. That said, his legacy never left me, and I was called throughout my developmental years by some family members as the Devil’s Son.

So what’s it like being the Devil’s Son? No one harms you, no one holds you, and everyone expects you to grow up to be a bad ass out of hell.

Every Father’s Day is a reminder of what you don’t have, and what you’re left to live with. Absence and neglect become your intimate mates, and you learn to read people and motives from a mile away through the vibrations in the air. I hated myself and did what came natural – rebelled. There is no memory of any family member taking me to school or seeing a report card, but I had my instinct and drive to be different. I excelled and became exceptional in sports and school – graduating with honors in high school, lettering in wrestling, breaking school weight lifting records, and had also gone to court and became an emancipated minor before graduating. I was on a mission to prove my family members wrong about me, so I joined religion and lived as a missionary in a third world country for two years. The first thing that my mother said when I returned home from that was, “You don’t fool me. I know who you really are.”

Let’s just say that I had the fortunate experience of my world falling apart after that, because I then became me.

Despite travelling through hell and the heavens, I learned that I was never going to be good enough for anyone else, and that I might as well be good enough for me. I stopped running, and more importantly, I stopped running from my legacy, and realized that although I have my father’s blood in me, I still had a choice. His aggression is my passion, and where he chose to be destructive and hurtful, I could choose to be constructive and heal. That was the day I invited others to join in my journey or to continue on their way. I gained my self-acceptance, standing on the marriage rocks of heaven and hell, the ‘wounded healer,’ and started on the path of my own legacy.

My past is no secret to those who know me, except to my son. Someday when he gets older he will read this and learn about his father, but for now I let him know that my own father was a very hurtful man and that is why I don’t like violence. With that in mind, I don’t call my son good or bad, but I do encourage him to be the best of himself and to be helpful to others, and withhold the judgment or having to apologize for being one’s self. For the rest of the common sons and fathers, I know that my story is not unique, not so great, and not the worst, but that Father’s Day can sometimes feel like having to make amends with devil inside and the demons in our past – you’re not alone. I’d suggest you let it not define you, but rather to make meaning from it, and create your legacy. After all, the day’s can move to fast, and life can pass in a snap

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Evernote: The “Best Dad” App

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

“They are asymmetrical and raised,” I told the pediatrician. My wife insisted they were circular and flush. Maybe my description of our toddler’s rash was accurate, or perhaps my wife was right. Perhaps we were each right and wrong. In any event, it didn’t matter. Our contradictory observations stalled the diagnosis of Sam’s rash.

Since the hives didn’t appear to be bothering him all that much, we had a little time. We just didn’t quite know what to do with our extension. Then it dawned on me: Evernote.

Those who know me won’t find this revelation surprising. My brain is duct taped together by Evernote, the “remember everything” app just raised $70 million on a whopping $1 billion valuation. But this was a particularly good use case.

The Evernote taxonomy is comprised of three levels. Users create notes, multiple notes comprise a notebook, multiple notebooks create a stack. I created a note called Sam Hives, which was nestled into a notebook called Sam, which was added to a stack called Family.

Every time he’d break out, we’d catalogue the details – date, time, what he’d eaten, and if he’d done anything unusual (for example, once it happened when we were at a farm). Because Evernote supports multimedia, we’d also add a photo of the image to the note. Next time we showed up at the pediatrician and pulled out the iPhone, boom! Parents of the week, courtesy of a free app.

It turns out, Evernote is pretty much my parenting consigliore. I use it to catalogue gift ideas year-round … heck, there is even a note ambiguously named, “Gifts for When Sam’s Older.” If someone tells me about a great birthday party idea, or fun place to go on a weekend, yup: to Evernote it goes. (Seriously, I can’t risk forgetting that the New England Falconry is an option in a year or two. The Phil Dunphy in me wouldn’t stand for that.)

Before you get the wrong idea, Evernote isn’t just a place were I catalogue all the stuff I want to buy. It’s not an over-engineered shopping list. I also use it to archive memories.

Every Christmas, we give “the grandparents” photo books created in iPhoto (and put one away for Sam) that tell the story of the previous year.  You might think it’s the photos that conjure the sentimentality, but it’s not. It’s the annotation. Throughout the year, we archive in Evernote milestones, discoveries, funny events, and even regular ol’ slice-of-life moments, so that as we sit to write this keepsake, the memories are as fresh as they day we experienced them.

Now as far as who was right about the hives, my wife or I … that’s something I’ll be keeping that between my family and Evernote.

 

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Digital Dads Exposed / Scott Leonard

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

Digital Dads Exposed is a monthly interview series that highlights the unique perspectives on manhood and fatherhood held by those we at Digital Dads have come across in our travels. This month, we feature California executive Scott Leonard who is pulling up anchor on his family’s conventional life, giving up their spacious home and comfortable lifestyle, and taking them on the voyage of a lifetime: three years sailing across the globe living together on their 50-foot Catamaran.

 

What is your perspective on what it means to be a man living in todays world?

I assume you are asking this as a gender based questions. I think many of the modern and historic perceptions of what it is to “be a man” are changing, but slowly. I do feel that fathers in general are much more involved in the lives of the kids than have been in modern time, if not ever. Unfortunately, as a man, we are stilled defined by but what we do for a living.

Growing up, what has influenced you the most and shaped the man that you are today?

There is no single event or activity that shaped me. Two traits that I value greatly are honesty and integrity. Those values came very strong from both my parents. The goal to always do what is right was a major factor of causing me to start my own business. As a financial advisor working for a brokerage firm, I had to do what was right for the company, not my clients. That fact caused me to start my own business were I could do what was best for my client. So much of who I am today is a factor of owning and running my own businesses, which in large part came about from a strong need to always do what is right by my clients.

In the moments you are able to pause and reflect, what activity do you normally gravitate towards?

I am not sure I understand the question. HaHa. Seriously, moments of reflection are few and far between with a business and family. I take them when I can. That said, I find my time on the ocean, be it on a surfboard, stand up paddle board or sailing, to be relaxing and allow for a good deal of reflection.

What is your parental philosophy?

Lead by example. If I am always honest, open, and fair, my hope is that they will take those core values with them into adulthood. To me, a key point to this is acknowledging when I was wrong; letting them see that we all make mistakes, but that it is important to acknowledge our mistakes and make amens.

What do you appreciate the most about being a father?

The unquestioning love that we have for our children is extremely powerful. It is that love which allows us as parents to put up with our kids that at times can be terrible little human beings to be around. But rather than trying to escape from them, there is something so strong within us that we strive to find a way to help our children be better. It is that raw sense of responsibility that is very powerful as a father, which provides for satisfaction and appreciation for many of the little achievements that our children have through life. Trying to be a good parent can be very difficult at times. I am not sure if it was “job” I would be able to do it. But with my children, there is more to it than just a job or responsibility. I appreciate that there is something deep inside me that motivates me to be the best father I can

What is your favorite activity (or activities) to do with your children?

Talking with them. Their curiosity, and to some extent naivety, allows me to look at many situations in an entirely new way. We take some much “common knowledge” for granted it is great when one of the boys questions something that forces me to search for why it is the way it is, even thought I may have just taken it for granted for so many years. When I can release myself from my issues of the moment, and look again at the world through their eyes, it is a rewarding, and many time funny journey.

What is the best way for a man and father to impart wisdom to his children?

Talk with them and lead by example. Inspire them to be inquisitive. In school, much of the time our children are being taught all different kids of subjects, whether they are interested in them or not. That is learning. I feel that for them to really gain wisdom, they must be curious about a subject on their own. The key is to feed that curiosity by become curios in the subject too. In effect to spend time with your child discovering the answers together, even if we think we already know the answers. By discovery and experimentation we gain wisdom.

What piece of technology impacts you most during the day (and is that impact positive or negative)?

Electricity. I know that is not what you are asking, however, on at boat, as on land, nothing works without it. We can’t even start our cars without electricity. But on land, we take it for granted. But on the boat, it is a very valuable resources. One that is constantly monitored, usage is evaluated, and generation is of major importance.

Our communications technology is the most critical on the boat. I use our satellite communicates for phone calls to the office, checking email, and other activities necessary to running the business remotely. This children rely on it for their school work and staying in touch with friends. As a family, our health and safety is in large part tied to our ability to communicate with land based doctors, through a company called MedAire. Even our weather reports are provided to us via satellite.

How does technology shape the way you raise and influence your children?

As a family, we would not be able to take a three year sailing adventure, while I am still running my business, without technology. It is ironic, that part of this trip is about simplifying our lives, getting back to the basic and nature. However, we would not be able to do this without the latest technology. It provides an small example of the overall goal of our trip to achieve a good balance between work and family. We are leveraging technology to increase our freedom from the modern, technology driven world.

How do you think men’s roles will change in the future?

My hope for the future, especially in the modern technology driven information age, is that a better balance can be achieved between work and family. Rather than use technology to drastically increase the productivity at work, I would like to see it used to increase time with family. With that, I would like to see a more rounded man in respect to the family. A more rested, less stressed dad is more patient and able to spend the quality personal time with his kids. Technology, if leveraged properly, can help us get to this point. However, I fear that it is being used to try and squeeze every ounce of productivity out of us, and causing us to be more rushed and more stressed.

Thanks, Scott for taking some time out of your busy schedule to chat with us!

The Leonard family is currently working together on final trip preparations – they plan to shove off July 8th from Ft. Lauderdale.  We wish them safe travels and will be following their journey at http://themobileceosetssail.com/

/// Digital Dads Exposed returns next month with more unique and interesting perspectives on manhood and fatherhood. Is there someone you would like to see featured? send us an email.

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Becoming a Dad

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

I remember when I first found out that I was going to be a father. I was filled with excitement, fear, joy and a bunch of other emotions that you can’t really express unless you’ve been there.

Back then we were living in Virginia and away from all of our family and friends. The decision of how and when to tell people is never an easy thing to do, but we made the best of it and figured it out. We didn’t have things like Twitter or Facebook to tell masses of people at one time, so the news trickled out slowly and surely and it was always fun to have new people find out and get in touch.

This morning my good friend Clarence told the world that he is going to be a poppa and he did it in a way that I’ve never been part of before. He did it by posting the comic below on one of his projects called Planet Wifey. I’ve known about the news for a bit and I’m glad he got the chance (and felt that we were close enough) to tell me in person, but I love that so many other people will find out from this comic.

Planet Wife 2009-10-02

The one thing I tell every guy who tells me they are going to be a Dad for the first time is the same thing a friend from Bentley told me when I told him the news.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “You think you know that you are going to be a Dad, but you really don’t yet. Just wait and at some point, somewhere the news is really going to hit you and then you’ll know you are going to be a dad.”

I laughed it off and then I remember being at a red light, months later on my way home from work when this wave of “oh shit I’m going to be a Dad!” washed over me. I broke down crying and was filled with an even bigger mix of emotions then I had before. I laughed at myself as I realized this is what my friend meant. Now I knew I was going to be a dad.

So, now I give that same bit of advice to every new dad. I also always recommend The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be as my book of choice for guys to read. I read them all and that is the one that stuck with me and was actually written in a way that a guy wants to read and I respected that.

Congrats to Clarence and to all the new Dads out there. It feels like something is in the water lately because there are a lot of new babies on the horizon.

What advice do you give to your friends when they tell you they are becoming fathers? I’d love to hear!

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The Matter of Life and Death

Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
Jack and the Puppies

Jack and the Puppies

Earlier this year, my brother and his wife suffered a terrible loss in their family. Their dachshund, who was a sweet “old girl” of 14 years had reached an age where she was really feeling the affects of her old age. Sadly, they had to put her down and it was a painful loss, especially for my brother who had loved her since she was a puppy.

Here’s what really concerned my wife and I upon this news: how would we explain this to our oldest son, Jack? Even though we all know it’s a part of life, we had been fortunate to sidestep the death issue up to this point. But here we were, suddenly thrust into a position where we might have to explain what happened to one of the sweet little doggies that lived next door.

My wife and I considered not talking about the issue, perhaps lying about her whereabouts, and maybe, just maybe, we would introduce the “D” word and see what happens. Luckily, life sort of figured things out for us. The day before she was put down, we all went over to see her and brought Jack with us. We let him know that she was very sick and he probably wouldn’t see her again. At the age of three, Jack’s attention is constantly pulled in many different directions, but he did take a few moments to pet her gently, calling her a sweet “old girl” before we left. And beyond that, we would address any questions if they came up; they have not.

A few weeks ago, my wife Kerry’s uncle called to tell us that his wife had very suddenly passed away. Kerry flew up to Massachusetts for a few days, but explained to Jack before she left that her aunt was “very sick” and she was going up because her uncle was “very sad.” And just last week, we heard the news that another family member back up North was “not looking good,” and we’re already wondering when we may get that call.

Presenting situations in terms that a toddler can understand is certainly not something new; it seems like we have to “explain” why eating dinner and going to bed at night are necessary. But honesty is another concept we also try to instill in our kids. We believe that, while the world may sometimes be a scary place, you can demystify some of that harshness with truth. There is a time and place for matters such as death – not to mention pregnancy, divorce, jail, and other more “complex” subjects – but it’s helpful to peel back those layers a little at a time.

We know there will be a point where Jack will ask that question we all do: “Am I going to die?” And while it may pain me to shatter some of that sweet innocence, I think the answer Kerry’s dad gave her at the age of 6 is a very fair, honest response: “Not for a very looooooooong time.” And, like all of us, Jack will have to figure out what that answer means to him. I think we’re all still trying to figure that one out.

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Being A Dad

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Being a good father is the single hardest thing a man can strive for in this world. It is also the most rewarding thing in life for a guy.

You’ll never hear me call being a father “a job” because it is so much more then that. It is a responsibility, a blessing and a great joy,but it is never ever a job.

likefatherlikeson

It is Father’s Day morning 2009 and as I read through the paper, quickly checked in online and watched the morning news I got very reflective about being a Dad. I’ve got Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories Live playing on iTunes because it always makes me think of my Dad. I have fond memories of hearing this for the first time in the DIY installed tape deck my Dad had put in our blue pick up. He’d never consider himself a “maker” but looking back he sure does have a DIY streak that runs through him.

My Father was very active in my life (and still is). He was tough, but also allowed me to live. I try to remember that now with my kids. Letting them go out and make mistakes is a critical thing, but not an easy thing because you know they are going to get hurt, fail and struggle, but they need to in order to really make it in this world. The only way to learn how to pull yourself back up is if you fall down first.

I look around me and I see a million different ways to be a Dad. Not all I agree with, but you’ll never hear me question someone either. The reason we have so many different people in the world is why we have so many different Dads. I’ve always said that normal is boring and that holds true here. As long as a Dad is active in their child’s life, then how they do it I am not going to question. “To each their own…” is a saying my Dad taught me.

But, what does upset me is how Dads seem to get to play second fiddle in the parenting landscape for a lot of people and that is something I just won’t stand for. Yes, there are plenty of horrible and inattentive fathers out there, but they are not the only ones missing in some kids lives. Some people were just not made to be parents and that stretches beyond just guys.

So, today here on Father’s Day 2009 I really want to see all of us online fathers to band together and figure out how we can break the sterotype of the bumbling guy, laying on the couch, mowing the lawn and not doing that much more. Most of the Dads that I know are much more active then that and I want to figure out how we can work together to make that known by all. I don’t have all the answers, but I certainly know I want to see some change.

To all the Dads out there I want to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. Sure, we don’t need a holiday, but the homemade gifts, silly poems and ties dure do make for a great morning. We celebrated with French Toast and this afternoon I’ll be going to the closing perfomance of my daughters play. Yesterday I got to see my father and my father-in-law. It has been a great weekend and I hope each of you is having as good of a day.

Work hard. Play harder. Be a great Dad!

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Who Needs a Dad Site?

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

I noticed over the past year or so that anytime I would blog about my family or kids on my personal blog that the posts would get more comments and more reactions then any other topic I might write about. Combine that with my passion for being a good father and the fact that I think Dads get a bum rap across all forms of media and that made me want to start this site.

Dylan and Emily Wedding

Of course the big reason is these two little people right here. This is my son Dylan and my daughter Emily. They are the reason I do a lot of things in life, but I wanted to do this to share my experiences with them and to share what I learn with you the reader. I certainly don’t have all the answers on how to be a good Dad or how best to raise kids, but I like to think that I am open to share what little I do know and I hope some of you get some good advice out of it.

The idea really started to come to a simmer last summer when I got thinking about how so many of my friends were what I called “Digital Dads.” We shared pictures of our kids online, uploaded home movies and spent a large chunk of time interacting in ways that our fathers never did. I wondered how this would change the next generation of kids. I wondered about this a lot.

I also work in the marketing world. I run a company called The Advance Guard and we work with brands big and small to build buzz, community and awareness around their products and services. We focus on building campaigns with disruptive technologies and social media. I also host a marketing podcast called Managing the Gray. Because of both of these I read about, plan and execute a variety of campaigns and I kept seeing Mommies getting all the attention while Dads sort of being forgotten about.

Now I know a lot of this is due to the fact that there are plenty of Dads involved in online media, but very few write about being a parent on a regular basis. At least I think this why most are ignored for the most part.

What I want out of this site is a way for three Dads (and maybe more some day) to share honest advice on being a Father in today’s world. The hope is to cover a variety of topics that any guy can use. We’ll be posting recipes, talking about sex, reviewing things and of course talking about raising our kids. No topic is off topic so expect some good variety in the coming weeks.

I’m a Digital Dad and damn proud of it. I hope you enjoy what you find here.

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The shoe cables a repent reward near the visible.