"Hey buddy. Hey buddy. IHOP after the game? You know it."

Sigh. Last week was terrible, for pretty much everyone I think. Who saw all those upsets coming? I went 7-9, which I suppose is respectable. I mean, the Seahawks made the playoffs last year with the same record. There were so many upsets last week, I mean – the Packers? Who could have seen that coming. Either way, it’s a new week and I really need to make up some ground if I want a cushy new job at CBS Sports or ESPN. Which I’ll never get only going 63% on the year. Well, that’s still better than most analysts.

So the playoff picture is really fucked up this year. I mean, you have your division winners with the AFC West still mathematically up for grabs, and you have a giant battle on both sides for the wild-card with about thirty billion different scenarios. It should be an interesting week of football. Don’t forget, games are on Saturday this week, not Sunday because of your Christian god and Santa and what not. Also, no one gives a shit about the NBA. On with the picks!

Featured Game

New York at NY Jets Line: -3.0
This game, as Rex Ryan seems to think, is going to be war. The Giants looked like shit last week as Eli threw three interceptions and the defense rolled over like bitches to the Redskins. The Giants seemed to defer the division to the Cowboys with relative ease. Same for the Jets, who kept the Eagles hopes alive by playing like absolute shit. So what happened to the New York teams? They both get a home game here, so there should be some fights in the crowd for sure. They both have QB’s on the cusp of greatness, though Eli obviously is the better QB most days. Both of them tend to make horrible decisions under pressure, but only one of them has the two minute drill down pat, and that’s Eli. I think the Jets will go up early, only to lose late. The Giants have to win this game if they want to have a chance at the playoffs, and win next week, and hope the Cowboys lose. Giants to win.

Tailgate City (The Rest)

Houston at Indianapolis Line: +6.0
Wade Phillips needs to ask for a huge raise. These two teams have shown how important one man can be to a whole team, to a season. However, only one has locked up the playoffs for the first time in their existence, and that would be the Texans. A week after sealing the deal and without Wade Phillips coaching the defense, the Texans suffered a huge upset at the hands of the Panthers, just rolling over on the defensive side of the ball. The fans were booing in Texas (they made it to the playoffs – shut the fuck up!) This week, going in to face the one win Colts (on a precarious ledge between winning too many games and losing enough to secure the 1st pick in the draft) they shouldn’t have any issues. The Colts offense doesn’t have the running attack like the Panthers. The Colts need to lose anyway. They don’t want to I’m sure. But they have one win and the Rams and Vikings each have two. So, they need to stay at one to get “Luck”y. Texans to win on the road.

Denver at Buffalo Line: +3.0
Here’s my analysis of the Denver vs New England game. The Denver defense, stout coming into the game, clearly fell apart in the second half. How do you not cover the best receiving tight end in the league with double coverage? They did a good job of rushing Brady in the first half, then gave it up in the second. And when Bellichick declined that penalty to give the Broncos 4th and one, knowing that Fox would take the safe three points, I knew it was going to be over for the Broncos. The Broncos are the number one rushing team in the league and are you telling me they couldn’t push it one fucking yard? The haters came out immediately blaming Tebow, but he did what he could (save for the late game 30 yard sack) considering his offensive line play was terrible, even against a three man rush. The Broncos were outcoached, and that’s on Fox and the defense. Moving on, they are still leading the division and a win in Buffalo will secure that playoff spot for them as division winners. Buffalo is on a six game skid and it keeps getting worse. A snow game last week in which they usually win, they didn’t. They are terrible right now, and I expect that to continue. Time to rebuild – again. Denver to win on the road.

Arizona at Cincinnati Line: -4.5
A lot of teams, especially in the NFC are still in the “hunt” for the playoffs – at least statistically. The Cardinals being a prime example. If they win out, and every one around them loses, they could be hitting a wild-card spot. But a lot of pieces need to fall into place. This team is not to be counted out, as the Browns learned last week. But that was the Browns, who are coached idiotically. Do not punt directly to the hottest punt return man in the league! The Bengals are unfortunately going to be shut out of the playoffs, sucks for them after their hot start. Dalton has matured into quite the starting QB and shouldn’t have much trouble at home picking apart the Cardinals secondary. The question is, can the Bengals secondary cover Fitzgerald? Bengals to win, barely.

Jacksonville at Tennessee Line: -9.5 UPSET SPECIAL!!
Well, if the Titans have achieved anything this year it was handing the Colts their first (and possibly only) win of the season. Good on them. Someone needed to. It was getting depressing. The Titans looked lethargic at best, apparently they forgot at that point they still had a shot at the playoffs, not anymore. The good news is, we won’t have to see Hasselbeck limping around the field as they are sure to give Locker some playing time. The Jags, well, they had a forgettable season even though MJD had a great year. I’d look for him to rack up some yards in this game, as the Titans run defense has totally fallen apart late in the season. I’m taking the Jags to win, just because they have absolutely nothing to lose and seem to be on again/off again and this should be an on week. Jags on the road.

Oakland at Kansas City Line: -1.0
Mathematically, and pending a Denver loss (which hopefully won’t happen) both these teams are still in the running for a playoff spot. While the Raiders are on a clear slide, the Chiefs beat the Packers. They did it with defense and Romeo Crennel should get coach of the year for that shit. Or at least a full time job. Either way, the Chiefs aren’t the best offensive team, but the Raiders aren’t either. In fact, the only thing the Raiders are good at lately are committing penalties. I’m looking for this game to be no different and the outcome to be determined on penalties and turnovers. Flip a coin. I’m taking the Chiefs at home.

Miami at New England Line: -10.5
No surprise that Miami swept the Bills this year, and no surprise that the Patriots beat the Broncos proper right? Even though I picked the Broncos, but it still wasn’t surprising. As well as Miami is playing right now, and as much as I’d love to pick an upset here it’s not going to happen. Brady and team are setting all kinds of records offensively and should continue against the inconsistent Miami defense. I see no reason why this won’t be a high scoring game though, so look for some fun touchdowns and for Miami to stay in the game through at least three quarters. Patriots to win at home.

St. Louis at Pittsburgh Line: -16.0
For some reason, the Rams beating the Saints is still somewhere in our minds and that should give hope to Rams fans, but it doesn’t. They are terrible from front to back and this week should be no different. The pressure from the Steelers defense will be unbearable for the offense. While the Steelers got whipped in San Francisco, that was clearly a superior defensive team. Too bad they won’t meet in the playoffs. Steelers to win easy at home.

Minnesota at Washington Line: -6.5
The Redskins should be happy with themselves. While still having no shot at a division they have no general business being in (cause they suck and there should be a division for teams like this so they can wallow in their suckiness) they sure did muck up the Giants chances last week. Of course, they were assisted by Eli Manning throwing them the ball plenty of times. I think they win again this week against a Vikings team that has struggled to get anything going this year, getting blown out last week against the Saints. They have hope though, as Ponder and Webb make a good one-two combo at QB. Now, if only one of them was good enough to win a game. Redskins to win at home.

Tampa Bay at Carolina Line: -7.5
The Bucs are terrible. There was a report on the radio that the GM calls down plays to Rahim Morris during the game. What kind of undermining bullshit is that? No wonder they can’t get anything done on the field. They are a disappointment to the league and to the city of Tampa. They may as well switch their jerseys back to the old creamsicles and call it a day. Panthers to win in dominant fashion.

Cleveland at Baltimore Line: -13.0
Someone at work said they had a hard time making this pick because of the way the Ravens played last week against the Chargers. I said are you kidding me? Look at the way the Browns have played all season long! They constantly find ways to lose games, most recently kicking to the best punt returner in the league this year. Morons. Colt is out and Seneca is in, and that shouldn’t give Browns fans anything to hope for at this moment. Meanwhile, the Ravens with Ray Lewis back are losing again. I wonder if he’s shoving aside defensive linemen to try and make every play himself, because whatever he’s doing, it ain’t helping. The Ravens need a big win and this one should be big. Ravens at home.

San Diego at Detroit Line: -3.0
There are two things that are certain in December. One, is that it’s the holidays and you’ll be getting tons of holiday cheer and your once a year Christmas blow job. The second, is that Philip Rivers is nearly unstoppable in December. He continued his tear last weak, beating the Ravens in glorious fashion, making Norv Turner actually look good for once. I think that the Chargers roll into Detroit and pull off another big win, really throwing a wrench into the possibility of the Lions making the playoffs. Chargers to win.

Philadelphia at Dallas Line: -3.0
Let’s see, as much as I want the Eagles to be out of the playoff conversation, this division sucks just enough for them to still be in it. Their only shot is if both the Cowboys and the Giants drop their next two, and the Eagles win their next two. The Eagles hold the tiebreaker, at 3-1 in the division currently. They roll in to Dallas this week, then they get Washington at home next week. So can the “dream team” do it or is their nightmare season finally coming to an end in Dallas? Some pundits have said Romo has had a career season, I say he’s overrated and generally shit, yet, he’s currently helming a division leading team and slaughtered a very crappy Bucs team last week. Dallas making the playoffs seemed the most likely scenario but man, the Eagles have finally got their shit together and are looking like the dream team we were promised. The Cowboys defense has really not played up to expectations and they really need to be on this game. I predicted the Cowboys would win the division, and picking the Eagles here would bounce that prediction unless the Eagles were to lose to Washington next week. The Eagles are playing too good right now, Eagles to win on the road and totally muck up the division.

San Francisco at Seattle Line: +1.5
This is the thought in the Seahawks locker room. If Atlanta, Detroit, Arizona & Chicago don’t win any more games, and the Hawks win their last two they could make the playoffs. Here’s reality, they won’t get past the Niners. Not on a good day. While they went to town on the Bears last week, the Niners are not the Bears and are lights out on defense. Did you see how they beat the Steelers? Defensive pressure. The Niners still have something to play for, and that’s a first round bye. It’s between them and the Saints for that. Of course, the Saints haven’t even technically won their division yet. They will. The Niners should dominate in this game and put the Seahawks out of their misery.

Chicago at Green Bay Line: -13.0
It’s amazing that with Cutler out this long that Martz hasn’t made any adjustments in the offensive game plan to make it any easier for Caleb Hanie. That’s why the Bears haven’t won at all since Cutler has been out, the game is too complicated at this point for Hanie and the Bears have thrown away a once promising season. Sad for Bears fans, good for Packers fans as they should hope for an easy win in this one. But wait, the KC defense stepped up and showed other teams how to beat the Packers – get after Rodgers like your life depends on it. Duh. At the same time, it exposed holes in the Green Bay offensive line and they’ve had a week to fix them. I don’t think the KC win will do anything to help other teams against a normally unstoppable Green Bay offense, but it does kind of bring them down to Earth. Green Bay to win at home.

Atlanta at New Orleans Line: -7.0
Atlanta is pretty much in the playoffs, pending disaster. They have no chance at the division (well, they do but the Saints would have to lose two in a row which ain’t gonna happen,) but the Saints want that delicious home field advantage. So the Saints are going to come out firing in this one. If they get a big lead, will they rest Drew Brees and prevent him from breaking Marino’s record? I doubt it. That’s just not the way Sean Peyton coaches this team. This should be a nice back and forth game, another good Monday night match-up worth watching. The Falcons though, while they can suffer a loss and still be in a good position for the playoffs could stand to get another win just to be sure. Of course, for them to get knocked out of the playoffs a lot of other shit around the NFC has to go down, which is possible based on the match-ups this week. I’m sticking with the Saints though, who are actually looking better than the Packers.