OK, I know what I’m actually being asked, but I don’t really like the implication, even when the question comes from someone who’s close enough to my wife and I that the question isn’t offensive. It’s as if a memo went out from the Men’s Department to all the middle aged guys informing them they shouldn’t have kids after they enter middle age, and it appears I crossed the threshold and recklessly dismissed the memo’s authoritative guidance. Or perhaps I just didn’t receive it.

Being a Dad at any age is special and there are certainly uniquely special things about being a Dad at different times in your own life. With my wife and I, we made a deliberate decision to sacrifice our younger years (with all the associated strength and energy) to build an environment at home that would allow us to more comfortably raise a little one–primarily in two areas: our own maturity and financial stability.

So putting the oddity and perhaps the improper nature of the question aside, I love being a Dad. I mean I really LOVE being a Dad, more than I could have ever imagined. No regrets. I see and feel my own bodily limitations and know that these wouldn’t be issues if I were a twenty- or thirty-something, but that’s OK. I still see the world again through the eyes of my three year old son–at times causing frustration for my sweet wife who feel she has two three year olds. I might be a bit slower (or more cautious) but there isn’t anything I can’t do with my son. Maybe in 10 years he’ll be able to break my hip, but for now, I’m OK.

Here’s the real bottom line–if the time is right, it’s never too late to be a Dad. Compared to the gain, you lose nothing except perhaps a slice off the ego when folks ask the strangest question, or as you anticipate being in your 60s when your child is graduating from high school. I’m OK with that though and suspect that most of you other Dads out there are too. For those of you who worry about having a first (or another) child as a middle aged man, I’m your champion. Go for it! Who knows, I just might have to thumb my nose at the memo crowd and have another myself. It’s great to be a Dad!

No related posts.

A lot of men, especially-pressed-for-time fathers, tend to think items like a jacket and shoes in the purely functional sense unless they’re specifically dressing up for an event.  While that’s understandable it’s also almost always to their detriment, making them appear older and frumpier.  One of my clients this weekend had just that dilemma. 

He spends all day on his feet, and like many men before him, thought that there’s no way a good looking shoe could be as comfortable as his hiking boot.  He was also a little leery of giving up his windbreaker since he needs lots of pockets and thought a more stylish jacket would not give him as much ‘mobile storage’.  

We outfitted him in Johnston & Murphy shoes that were so comfortable he was grinning from the moment he tried them on and a Zara cotton military jacket with more pockets than his windbreaker.  Best of all, by switching out just those two items in his lineup he looks 10 years younger and infinitely cooler.   

So, in case you haven’t heard me say this a million times yet: Gentlemen, you no longer have to settle, no more choosing between comfort and style, they can now be commonly found sharing the same point in space and time. 

No related posts.

Cast of Dads #13 (listen or subscribe) focused on that topic. One of the other Dad’s likes how his son and him are using Foursquare to keep each other updated on where they are. But, of course this is passive and it only works IF they check into a location.

There is technology out there, and more coming I’m sure, where we could almost monitor our kids movements similar to the way scientists track migrating whales and antelope. But, do we want this? Is it even really needed or have we really gone to far in our constant worry that the big evil world out there is going to swallow up our kids.

While the peace of mind something like this might give me, I think right now I lean more towards the side of letting them being kids. Letting them go and do what they are going to do. I know they are going to tell me they are going one place and end up at another. They are going to sneak around and do things they don’t want me to know. It is all part of growing up and figuring out boundaries.

I want my kids to know that I trust them. My parents let me go out and wandering around without them knowing exactly where I was and guess what? I turned out ok. Generations of kids have gone out without this technology and somehow society has continued to push forward.

The world is not any scarier then it use to be. It is just that we all hear about the bad more then the good now. The media loves to throw us into a panic over almost anything because everyone watches and tunes in for more, but the boogieman that we all worry about has always been out there since the dawn of time.

My kids need to know I trust them. If I’m tracking their every move I don’t see how that can ever happen.

What do you think?

Related posts:

1. Internet Safety For Kids – Be Involved. Not Stupid.

In Part 1 (all those months ago – sorry!), I talked about some of the emotional stages many men experience when making the final, gut-wrenching decision to move on from a failing relationship and how the crippling thought of breaking this news to your children can effect that decision. After months, sometimes years, of traveling down this path, you have come to the decision that two happy parents in two different places will be a better quality of life for your kids than two miserable parents under one roof.

Now, how do you approach the single hardest thing you will ever do in your life? How do you tell your children that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living in the same house?

Before we get to that, let’s talk about the second hardest thing you will ever do in your life… putting aside your feelings of hurt/betrayal/anger and talking sensibly and with sensitivity with your soon-to-be-X about what is truly best for the kids and how you will BOTH calmly sit down and talk to them.

Swallowing your male instincts to react to “hurt” by being aggressive and stubborn is a big enough pill to swallow for most men. We all do it. Either in a Passive-Aggressive manifestation or in a case such as mine, reverting to my Italian heritage and yelling at everyone.

This is a crucial, defining moment in your child’s life. You do not get to be selfish about it.

This is not about you.

It’s not about her.

It’s not about the myriad things you’ve done to each other that brought you to this.

As obvious as this may sound, please take a moment to absorb these words… the way you handle this approach will become part of the identity and attitude of the person your children will grow to be.

This is a milestone in your child’s life that (assuming they’re older than a toddler) they will remember until their dying day. It will shape their overall ability to “adjust” and their emotional response mechanism to relationships, in general. It will inform their instinctive interactions with their own children. Think about how often you’ve heard your parent’s voices coming from your mouth?

Find the strength, some might say, the TRUE strength of being a man, to be a father first and find that common ground with your child’s mother. Regardless of all the pain you’re causing each other, being parents to your children will always be the one thing you have in common. Long after the divorce proceedings have passed and you have both moved on, possibly even to a new marriage and family, you will STILL be a “Parenting Team” for the children you have together. Divorce does not mean you are getting rid of each other. The sooner you get that out of your head, the easier it will be to focus on how you will both manage the immediate conversation with the children and all of the arrangements that follow.

One quick thing I’d like to address with regards to “arrangements”. Kids need their dads. PERIOD! Do not let anyone ever make you feel like it’s acceptable to be the “every other weekend and two weeks in the summer” part-time dad. This notion is archaic and will do unspeakable damage to your children emotionally. If you’ve been following along with this series since Part 1 and laboring similarly, chances are you would fight tooth and nail against this dated mindset anyway. Still, it’s important to be said. Say it to yourself now – my kids NEED their Dad. Believe it buddy!

Your wife and yourself have somehow managed to come to a calm consensus that truly represents the best thing for the people you love most in your life. It may have taken weeks or months but you have both arrived.

First of all, take a moment to acknowledge this in each other. It’s OK to give each other credit. I guarantee it was as difficult for her as it was for you.

The literal moment of truth – you and your spouse sit your children down. This will be emotional and that’s OK. You’re allowed to feel. Just tread lightly between representing emotion and exuding a sense of confidence in what you’re saying. Too far to either side and your incredibly intuitive little people will feel like you’re selling them a line. Just be Dad.

A few bullets to consider:

• Decide, prior to the talk, which of you will open the conversation.

• Let each other (spouse) talk. Don’t talk over each other.

• Use “we” when talking about the decisions that have been made

• Physical contact with your kids (holding a hand, rubbing the back, etc)

• Make it absolutely clear that they are the best kids that have ever walked the face of the Earth and tell them how loved they are and how proud you are of them

• Show respect for your spouse (even if you sense it isn’t returned)

• Make it clear to them that you will always be there and lay out your plan “how”

• Answer every question with honesty but remember who your audience is. Find a “glass half full” way to answer them.

• Make eye contact

• Get physically down to their level (kneel or sit)

• Acknowledge and validate their feelings

• Let them know they can talk to both of you ANYTIME and the conversation doesn’t have to end after this talk if they have questions.

• I know this is about as uncomfortable as it gets but don’t rush through this

• Tell them how much you love them

All I can think of when I remember back to this moment in my life is the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan’s “Hold On”. “Hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell”. It will be hard — plain and simple. Doing everything you can, ahead of time, to eliminate the potential for “regrets” will pay dividends throughout the lifetime of your children.

Support: Don’t be too proud to ask for help going into this and again on the other side. Having a positive support system that understands and accepts your decisions is key. The “one-sided sympathizers” are frequently really unhelpful, though their intentions are good. “Your wife is a bitch” is not a constructive comment or demonstration of support.

KNOW that you are doing the right thing and best of luck. You can do this.

Related posts:

1. Dealing as Dad in Divorce PT 1: THE CONVERSATION
2. Wii Sofa King
3. Raising Gatejumpers

Wait, she did it. But, hey so did I! Wait, WE did it!

*This is a long article; plan your life accordingly*

We planned our kid. Took 7 months of target practice before the bullet met the bullseye. The pregnancy was healthy and relatively pain free. The labor process only had one blip in it (where the umbilical cord wrapped around him and his heart rate went down; we had 20 people in our room in 15 seconds. I’m not exaggerating. Completely unaware, I thought it was a hospital training session!)

The push part was 2 hours. My wife was stunning to me. She was literally breathtaking to watch. She never gave in, she never complained, she tried her little heart out. And she NEVER did anything resembling the stereotypical ‘men don’t understand’ approach that the media sells. She relied on me, and I (and our son) relied on her. It was perfect balance.

Another thing occurred: our relationship went to this “other level.” See, we had never really teamed up to do anything this complex. Sure, she helps when I cook, she runs my merch booth when I play live, we share our house responsibilities and we are incredibly open on the communication front, but we’ve never did so much as a potato sack race where it demanded our energies in such a focused and physical manner (and she’s NOT one for sports).

But we had it down pat. I quickly figured out how to read the heart monitors, and I could see when her next contraction was coming. So, I coached her through the entire cycle. I bear hugged her on the low end (the rest part) because she shivered from the adrenaline. It was her, the doc, the RN (named Sparky!!!), and me. That’s it. And with that and the picturesque view of the Hollywood hills, the sun rose just moments before the son.

Just like that: Henry said hi.

We did it, right?! Well, yes, except of course for everything else that follows.

But I want to catch you up. Therefore, this article is not about everything that follows. Instead, it’s a drop bin of everything that I emphatically want to tell you that I think we did right. If any soon-to-be-new Dad reads this and get ONE piece of advice from this article then my obligations contained within this article shall forever be fulfilled.

Obviously, the standard disclaimer: this is our story. Yours might be more poignant or less, more problematic or less, more difficult or less. Take the following as you like; if nothing else, enjoy the anecdotes. This worked for us, and hopefully on some level, maybe it’ll inspire you when you’re in the that crazy ol’ predicament of being a soon to be parent.

Youth, Wasted on the Young

“How old are you? how old are you?”
Us? We used age & our “Oscar Wilde” experience to our advantage (look it up). We may not be spring chickens, but who said that was a bad thing? Not us. We tried our best to remain calm during every storm that came our way and used our experience to guide us when we were clueless. Amazing what happens when you assume things will be ok….

They usually are.

Seeing the Future

Take that assumption a step further and move to “imagining.” I once read this article about visual simulation; athletes do this. I do it when I play tennis, hell, even when I play shows. You imagine where the ball is going, or the high jumper imagines the run up to the bar. Literally; watch their heads and eyes visualize the path they take.

And this is what we did. We imagined our actions, our goals, through the whole process, and it paid off in spades. I don’t even know what that means, but I hear it’s pretty awesome.

–Make casual to-do lists. Even the mundane, jot em down. Cause you never know.–

The nursery

I can’t stress this enough. My wife giggled when I designed, painted and put together the nursery a full 4 months before the kid was born. 3 months later she was PRAISING the decision. Stuff gets much harder the less mobile she becomes. My goal was to literally have the last two months be a “twiddle our thumbs” feeling. We literally had nothing to do but wait for the deed to go down. It made all the difference, stress-wise, in that, well there really wasn’t any. Plus, you never know the unforseen; this helps in the event of problematic situations, too.

Friendly Advice

Use your friends’ advice (yea, including me) as a stock report: only use what you want to use. Don’t worry if it makes no sense to you. Just discard the advice. Kindly, of course.

Man up

This is the time to grow up, man. I mean it. And what a better way to do it than on your own terms? Start picking up the slack, for slack will definitely happen. In our house, our common rule is if you want my delicious cooking, well I don’t want to do the dishes. That time honored axion became difficult by about the sixth month. So, I just started doing more of the dishes. As much as I could. Dude, it ain’t simply brownie points. These actions are worth their weight in gold. Plus, by taking on the responsibility yourself (aka without being asked), then you own it, credit and all.

And let me tell you something: from my experience, women LOVE it when you just do stuff on your own…and they remember. Are you paying attention now?!!!! This means “quid pro blow.” I will explain no more on this subject. If you haven’t figured it out, you are beyond help.

Work

Take as much time off as you possibly can. I took a month off in total. Yea, it clobbered my vacation/sick days, but what else did I have planned? I spoke to my HR and boss FIVE months before he was born. I laid the seeds. They saw how enthusiastic and excited I was to become a new Dad. This too paid off really well, because there came a time where I needed more. I just felt uncomfortable leaving the two of them alone so soon. And my job ok’d it. I came back happy, not resentful.

Products

I’ll keep this limited to products we loved…

First, since I’m mostly described the time leading up to the fateful day, books:

• What to Expect When You’re Expecting &
• What to Expect the First Year
• Happiest Baby on the Block (you will be the Swaddling King)

We had more books than these, but trust me,  just about anything/everything you’ll ever need to know is in these books. They will be your bible. They’re the only ones with the 100% Chance stamp of approval hahaha. Don’t thank me. Thank everyone who recommended them to me. I’m just passing it along, you swaddling king, you.

• Baby swing. OH MY GOD. It’s a god send in the 1st few months.
• Playard: To be honest, we began by using this as his actual crib. First 8 months (our place is small). Now we use it as his nap and play area. They’re awesome. Plus, you’ll be able to store things in it too. Caveat: the changing table attachment is completely useless. COMPLETELY.
• Swaddling blankets. Large ones.
• Breast pumps.  (they neglect to tell you babies sometimes don’t latch!)
• Bottle warmers (takes the brain out of the equation).
• Pampers (I don’t know; they’re just softer, and seem to work a little better. Don’t bother with the over night ones; we noticed not a whit of difference.)
• Wipe warmer: had some friends with ambivalent feelings on these but we dug em.
• Sleep Sacks.  Since there are  blankets for the first year, these will come in handy when your kid stops being swaddled.
• Diaper Dekor: Think of this way: either walk to your outside garbage pails every 2 hours, or put them in this thing. Genius.

Things to know that they never tell you

Here is the single biggest thing they never told us and will surprise you (because it’s good news):

The first two weeks are a piece of cake. I’m not kidding. And yes, I’m speaking relatively. Sure you still have to wake up and you still have to change diapers every 2-4 hours. But they do almost nothing, except: nurse, sleep, & poop. THAT’S IT.

If you wanted to take time off work and you’re trying to figure out how to maximize your time because you’re limited, it almost makes more sense as a Dad to START your time off during week 3.

Because then………. it gets crazy.

But you’ll figure it out. All of this. That’s the coolest thing: all the self-doubt and confusion that you dreaded leading up to that first minute of life, literally evaporate once they come out. I’m not talking magic and mystery here. I’m not talking deep spirituality or some kind of “one with the earth” miracle that people like to spout.

I’m just saying you discover you had everything you ever needed, buried somewhere deep inside you. All along. It was just waiting til it was time. And now that you’re a Dad, you’ll be struck by the acknowledgement of this beautiful, beautiful feeling:

“Wow…. I can do this!”

Next article? A “Chance cooks” recipe.

Related posts:

1. Are You Ready for Seconds?

“I am not completely sold on gesture gaming like the Wii being the future. It definitely is changing the scope of gaming, but not for me.”

Having recently sold my Wii, I had been reflecting on my motivation for purchasing it in the first place — because I had bought into the idea of interactive games, believing it to be the future of gaming.

I should mention, I am an avid (read: hardcore) video game enthusiast and like a large number of fathers my age (or expectant fathers like myself) — I have been playing for most of my life.

All of which is to say that any technological advance in the video game industry is quite likely going to pull at my game playing heartstrings with some level of success.  But with motion and gesture gaming as part of the mainstream, where children, parents, and grandparents alike are now active gamers, I find myself dissatisfied with the prospect of this new frontier being acknowledged as the future of gaming.

Especially where children are concerned.

Photo by Scott Richard’s Photography

Continuing my rant online, I followed-up by suggesting that,

“Many parents would argue to the contrary — but i’d guess they are allowing video games to replace the power of imagination for their kids.”

While I am just over a month before leveling-up to full-blown status as a father, I feel compelled to highlight the fact that parents would argue that gesture and motion gaming like the Wii or Microsoft’s Project Natal for the XBOX 360 are the future because it raises their activity level by putting them in motion.

Concluding my entitled and unsolicited opinion slinging on Twitter, I declared,

“The argument that gesture/motion gaming gets kids off the sofa (to me) implies that parents weren’t doing it right in the first place.”

I did receive some honest commentary that suggested,

“Here’s what many parents don’t like to confess; you let kids play video games b/c it buys peace and quiet. Uncomfortable to admit.”

I don’t doubt that what was mentioned is true for a large majority of parents whose children actively play video games.  My contention is with the fact that this passive escape could be the reason parents agree that gesture and motion gaming is the future; because it gets them off the sofa (and affords the parents a brief reprieve from, you guessed it — being a parent).

As a professed hardcore gamer, and someone who is likely to allow my own son to play later on in his life, that notion is one I have difficulty understanding and agreeing with 1) because it still somehow implies that playing video games are bad unless 2) they get your kid off the sofa and 3) it removes accountability for the parent, normally charged with encouraging an active lifestyle for their child (out in the world).

I am sure there are many of you who struggle with the same thing.  It is an interesting conversation I hope to see take place here on Digital Dads.  There is nothing wrong with your child being a sofa king.  A little hand/eye coordination never hurt anyone.

There is something wrong with parents, however, who allow their children to forego a little imagination off the sofa, away from the console, and out in the world.  Perhaps you disagree? If so, why?

Related posts:

1. Gaming Kids
2. Two Great Playstation 3 Family Games
3. Father’s Day Gifts, Vol. 1

I am an independent solo artist based in Los Angeles, CA, and, through a certain mix of alchemy, diabolical processes & nefarious actions, I am now a Dad.

Yea, I know.

I met C.C. many moons ago, online and most virtually, when one of us contacted the other about music (mine) being played on a podcast (his). Since then, we’ve become great virtual friends — even meeting at one time, all old school and in the flesh (Full disclosure: C.C. even bought my son his first baby swing!). So, when he mentioned Digital Dads was adding more writers, and asked if I would be interested, I put it thusly:

“Sure!”

Plan on this Dad writing from this Dad’s perspective. You will probably hear passioned —with occasional bits of reasoned— observation, but don’t mistake or misjudge my enthusiasm for proselytizing. Things that work for me (or don’t) may not work for you (or will).

One thing is true: Being a Dad is a puzzle. One big puzzle; like the ones you used to check out at the public library and has 4 pieces missing.

And guess what our job is?

Well, coming soon, my first article, entitled: “WOW.”

No related posts.

I grew up as a scout. I raced pine wood derby cars, went to summer camp, learned how to make a fire, went to a National Jamboree and spent many nights under the stars on a variety of camping trips. The day I was was given my Order of the Arrow Vigil sash is still one of my fondest and proudest memories. I loved it all and know that it had a ton to do with shaping me into the man I am today.

But, the scouts I grew up loving are lost to me now. I can’t find them anywhere.

After graduating from college and moving to Virginia, I looked to get back active with the scouts as I hadn’t done a lot with them during college. I didn’t have kids yet and knew that it would be a great way to give back and have fun at the same time. But, the troops I found were more interested in badges and the latest gear rather then the skills I had hoped to be teaching the kids. As I’ve interacted with scouts here and there since then I’ve found that they don’t seem to teach the same skills that I grew up loving any more. Sure, they are there in the books and you can earn badges for them, but they don’t seem to be as important as they were before.

I know that there are plenty of Scout Masters and troops out there who do still teach kids how to survive in the woods and how to truly camp rather then pulling up, parking and setting up a tent. I don’t want to discount that. I just haven’t found the right group to work with.

But, even if I could find the right troop to work with I personally can’t support the organization any more either. Their rules about not allowing atheists to be members and banning of homosexuals from being involved are two inexcusable faults that will keep me and my son from ever being involved in the program. It pains me to say that, but it it is the truth. I can’t support organizations that openly support discrimination.

I’ve been lucky that Dylan has never asked much about joining the Boy Scouts. Not many of his friends are involved so we’ve never had the tough chat that I figured was coming. I want my children to try out every adventure they wish for, but this is one that I won’t allow to happen.

The Scouts have lost their way in my opinion. I don’t know if it it is just mine or not, but I really hope that someday they change their mind and go back to embracing their root values and teachings for all boys. I firmly believe in the Boy Scouts and what they stand for. I think getting kids away from the computers, iPods and other devices and throwing a backpack full of gear on them and spending a weekend in the woods (multiple times) is a great thing for every kid to go through.

Learning to be a leader and working with teams are vital skills that everyone needs to succeed in life and the Boy Scouts helped teach me that. I’m sure that they are still teaching those skills to a new generation of boys.

I’m not looking to stir up controversy, but when I saw that the birthday was today I had to share my thoughts.

The Boy Scouts of America is a great organization that was a crucial part of my life. I hope that sometime in the future it can be again.

No related posts.

I recently picked up Walker Lamond’s Rules for My Unborn Son while browsing at a local bookstore.  For me the book is timely and also timeless — Lamond’s insights are curated wisdom from his father, thinkers, historical figures, adventurers, hard workers, sports icons, entertainers and his own experience of becoming a man.

In his own words, To get some things straight before I get old and uncool, Lamond’s Rules for My Unborn Son is a map for boys who aspire to become and live as good men.  Lamond’s rules are presented as a clever series of tenets that encompass all aspects of life that will take you on a journey from boy to man and along the way, Rules does its best to reinforce the essence of a good man.

The highlight of reading Rules for My Unborn Son is that it took me on a journey through my own life — I could remember exactly when (and how) I came to learn similar rules — and that following them (or not) had a significant impact on my life:

“You won’t always be the strongest or fastest. You can be the toughest.”

“Don’t boast about projects in progress. Celebrate their completion.”

“You are what you do, not what you say.”

Lamond’s Rules is a genuine and sincere attempt to impart worthwhile knowledge while shedding light on the many experiences a boy will have that shapes his outlook on life as a man.  Fathers, or those who would be, will enjoy Rules for My Unborn Son for its simple and practical thoughts and for the way it moves you and your son to explore the meaning of manhood.

Walker Lamond’s Rules for My Unborn Son can be purchased online and new rules are published regularly on the 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son .

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Decisions like whether or not to buy a new car after having only recently established our carless hustle (a little more than a year ago), whether or not to invest in a nanny or look into a more generalized childcare program, whether or not to paint his room one color or another — there are so many choices to make, but none of them weigh as heavily as the possibility of what many refer to as sacrifice.

Throughout the pregnancy we have made choices that will impact the life we lead as well as the life we provide for our son when he touches down next Spring.  None of them, however, have felt like a sacrifice.  Together we made the willing choice to become parents and bring a child into this world.

In that regard we are no different than a host of parents that live and breath today and those who came before us.  Still, in the short time we have been expecting, I suspect that there are those who believe (and have suggested) that there is some inherent sacrifice I must make.  Something to give up.  Something to lose.

As an example, for the past two or three years our second bedroom has been a haven for my passion surrounding comic books.  Over time I have consumed quite a bit — rare prints, limited edition figures and other collectables.  In fact it has been referred to as the comics room by family and friends alike.

When said family and friends discovered that we were having a baby and that I had made a decision to clear the comics room of any evidence of having previously existed — let me be blunt and say some of them lost their minds. (Shown above, one of my semi-full comics shelves, relocated to the livingroom).

From all sides I was being questioned about the fact that I was giving up or losing the comics room.  Some even went so far as to suggest this is how it begins.  In their minds, by clearing the room and ensuring our son had a place that he could grow into and call his own, I was making the ultimate sacrifice.

Granted, the comics room was unique (i.e. unrivaled by even the most committed of comics fanboys) — the choice to pave the way for my son to have his own place in our home was a proud one for me to make and I find myself elated.

The question remains, if you choose to bring a child into this world — is there an inherent sacrifice as well?  For me personally, the answer is no, there is not.  There are, however, choices to make — What are the ways we can show our son love?  How will we raise him to learn and understand solid values?  Throughout his life, during the many times he may slip and fall, what will be the best way to pick him up?

I believe it is impossible to consider any decision regarding our son a sacrifice.  There are only choices and I have made mine.  Marinate.

Related posts:

1. When the Nomad Wanders

In general I have no idea what will change or exactly what will be.  What I do know is that this narrative, which is my life, is about to hit that point where the plot thickens and the twist will rearrange our  whole hustle like an F-5 tornado.

Case in point — I no longer have the luxury of considering the passage of time in years.  Time itself has changed.  Everything is now measured in weeks.

When I mentioned to another pregnant couple we were five months along, they looked at me like I haven’t read the prenatal equivalent of The Handbook for the Living and the Dead.

Exercising my short-term thinking is a challenge for me in this situation.  I tend to look at the big picture and consider things holistically.   Just over four months from now, our son will be born.  It would have been nine months that we were awaiting his arrival.  At three months we heard him and saw him for the first time.

My natural tendency to consider things in longer terms is likely an inherent self-defense.  Months take a while to pass.  A week, however, is just a few days in total.  Maybe this is why there are so many dead-beat-dads.  Perhaps they wash-out before their child is born and are unable to cope when they finally arrive – because it all happens so fast.

What I have learned so far from this experience is that the more things grow, both literally and figuratively,  the more micro they become when I regard them (and keeping things short has actually allowed me to wrap my frontal lobe around what our new life is going to be about).

As of today, we are 21-weeks into the pregnancy.

Marinate.

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Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I need to slap a little reality into all the parents out there who are scared to death of their kids getting online.

I recently spoke at an elementary school about Internet Safety. It was a small group of parents, but I was excited about it because I wanted to really answer their questions. As the organizer of the event explained some of what the school was already up to (including the awesome idea of a secured Ning site for their students to interact with other students around the world) and two police officers briefed them on all the scary facts about online dangers, I began to get worried. I could see that some of the parents were genuinely scared when they found out their kids were talking to other kids and adults (school staff in this case) online. But, I also knew I had my kids in the room with me and I wanted to show them from one parent to another why all of this is a good thing and not something to run away from.

If you are a parent, you need to realize that your kids ARE going to be online. They are going to set up social networking accounts, talk to complete strangers on them, watch videos, chat, etc. They are going to do this no matter if you let them or not. They may not do it at home, but they will do it at school and when they are hanging out with friends. Just like experimenting with drinking, drugs and each other, it is part of growing up. We all went through it and turned out ok for the most part so it is up to us to help our kids get through it as well.

With all of these issues and especially the online piece the answer is you MUST be involved. You too must be checking out these sites and using them so that you understand what they are all about and can teach your kids how to use them. You are responsible to teach them the right and wrong way to use the Internet. Just like you are responsible for teaching them about safe driving, safe sex and say no to drugs. It is up to YOU to teach them..

Some practical advice I gave to the parents that night and that I want to share with you:

1. Get Yourself Online
   I don’t want to hear you whining about not having time or barely understanding e-mail. Your kids are growing up with a computer as an integrated part of their lives and will always be. If you have a computer in the house then they are going to start using services like Facebook, YouTube and others and you must understand them as well. These services are free and honestly the only way to understand them is to use them. Make sure to always check the privacy settings on each service as they are not all the same, but they are all important as they control who can see what about you. Still confused? Ask your kids to show you them or find someone at your children’s school who can answer your questions.
2. Put The Computer In a Family Space
   I won’t allow my kids to have computers in their rooms even though they keep asking me for it. When we got them a computer last Christmas, we put it in the living room. That way when they are on it we can always see what they are doing. We also have several laptops in the house and they know they can’t bring those up to their room either. Anything they should be doing online they should be comfortable doing with us around. Plus, this way I can see how long they’ve been online and kick them off it when appropriate.
3. Monitor Them
   I’m not talking about secret spying, but Emily and Dylan both know that we have parental controls turned on the computer. They know that I can go back and look at every site they’ve been to. This is not a secret and it is important that they know this. I don’t want to snoop around and I won’t ever go into their e-mail or track their IM conversations, but keeping a web history that they can’t delete is something I will do. The newest Mac OS and Windows 7 both have these sort of controls built in. There are other software options out there that can do even more then this, but the basics can be covered by what you have.
4. Talk to Your Kids
   I’ve made it very clear to the kids what is inappropriate. Just like I taught them not to talk to strangers or ever get in someone else’s car, I’m also teaching them what not to do online. First names only, never give a home address, being vague about where they go to school and the town they live in. User accounts are always a silly name rather than their own. They never give out a phone number. All things that hold true online and off and as they begin to get older and use it more, I will talk to them more about it. It is part of our every day conversation and it is not uncommon to hear “You’ve got to see this video on YouTube” come up at dinner. And just like “the talk”, this can not be a one time thing. You have to keep talking about it.
5. Don’t Fear Google
   If I hear one more time “your kids might see porn if they mistype something into Google” I am going to scream. Google has simple settings that you can set on your computer to hide that sort of content. It isn’t perfect, but it will filter out the majority of it on your home computers. Plus, guess what? Your kids are going to see naked people at some point in their lives. They might actually go and seek it out on the web out of curiosity or other reasons. Shocking I know.

   But, again it is up to you to teach them what is right and appropriate and what is not. Search engines are amazing tools. Just the other night i was showing my son how to filter for images for a project he was working on and I had no worries about porn coming up when we searched for “vikings” because I knew the settings I had set would keep it clean. But. school computers, or ones at friend’s house might not have these settings so that is why you must talk about this rather than trying to hide from it.

These are just five tips, but they are five important ones.

To all the parents who think that not allowing their children to get online and sheltering them from the Internet is the solution I have one thing to tell you. You are ignorant and stupid. Sorry to be so blunt, but I refuse’t sugar coat it for you.

Sheltering our children from everything that might be bad in the world is never the solution. No one can live in a bubble and turn out ok. Children need to learn what is good and what is bad and how they are suppose to operate online in order to be successful in their lives. Just because the computer might not be important or needed by you, they are never going to know a world without them.

You need to instill in them what is appropriate. Just like you are going to teach them how to respect others, how to drive a car and how to do good in school. How to act online is just a new part of the parenting puzzle and you are responsible for this whether you like it or not.

I live and breath in this space and I can tell you that the amount of good things that have happened far outweigh the few bad things. I’m more worried about my kids and what might happen to them out in the real world then I ever will be about what they might run into online.

Don’t be stupid. Get active and get involved with your kids online. That is the way a good parent should act.

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This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about and was curious to get some other parents opinions on.

I’ve been known to raise my voice to the kids. It is weird because I don’t have a temper for the most part and usually if I get in a heated discussion or argument with someone I go ice cold and direct. But, when it comes to the kids they stress me out to the point where I’d just snap and the only way to get through to them would be to yell. I always feel bad about it and depending on the reasons for it I usually end up apologizing after the fact for raising my voice or yelling and having a regular conversation about what they did wrong or whatever it was that set me off.

Of course this goes against everything we have taught them about how any discussion can be had with a leveled voice. We try to always leave attitude at the door and have regular conversations no matter what it is. But, we both break that from time to time as this morning quickly reminded me.

Several months back (maybe even longer now) I was talking with my sisters and one of them made a remark about how they never remember our Dad ever raising his voice at us. I keep thinking about that every time I do raise my voice and the weird thing is that I don’t remember him ever doing it. When he reads this I’m curious what his memories will be.

I grew up in a household where I knew that if I stepped out of line I’d be in trouble. That was crystal clear and has kept me on a pretty straight path my whole life. Yet, my parents were laid back and didn’t raise their voices. How did that work? In the times where I was really getting on their nerves or pushing all the wrong buttons how was it that they kept it level and didn’t yell. Self control is a great thing, but it only goes so far right?

I don’t have the answers. I’ve never claimed to, but this is a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about and the NY Times piece really got me thinking about it and I wanted to know what other parents thought about this.

Do you yell at your kids? Do you feel bad after?

My answer is certainly yes to both, but I want to hear your stories.

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Back then we were living in Virginia and away from all of our family and friends. The decision of how and when to tell people is never an easy thing to do, but we made the best of it and figured it out. We didn’t have things like Twitter or Facebook to tell masses of people at one time, so the news trickled out slowly and surely and it was always fun to have new people find out and get in touch.

This morning my good friend Clarence told the world that he is going to be a poppa and he did it in a way that I’ve never been part of before. He did it by posting the comic below on one of his projects called Planet Wifey. I’ve known about the news for a bit and I’m glad he got the chance (and felt that we were close enough) to tell me in person, but I love that so many other people will find out from this comic.

The one thing I tell every guy who tells me they are going to be a Dad for the first time is the same thing a friend from Bentley told me when I told him the news.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “You think you know that you are going to be a Dad, but you really don’t yet. Just wait and at some point, somewhere the news is really going to hit you and then you’ll know you are going to be a dad.”

I laughed it off and then I remember being at a red light, months later on my way home from work when this wave of “oh shit I’m going to be a Dad!” washed over me. I broke down crying and was filled with an even bigger mix of emotions then I had before. I laughed at myself as I realized this is what my friend meant. Now I knew I was going to be a dad.

So, now I give that same bit of advice to every new dad. I also always recommend The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be as my book of choice for guys to read. I read them all and that is the one that stuck with me and was actually written in a way that a guy wants to read and I respected that.

Congrats to Clarence and to all the new Dads out there. It feels like something is in the water lately because there are a lot of new babies on the horizon.

What advice do you give to your friends when they tell you they are becoming fathers? I’d love to hear!

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I believe that if every guy could master the art of cunnilingus and cooking then they could win any woman’s heart. Because of this, I wanted to get her take on the intimate qualities of food that she’s been talking about as part of her Sex on a Plate concept. What follows is a little Q&A and I did with her.

What is your culinary background?

It seems like I’ve done just about everything there is to do in the food world. I started out as the “Salad Girl” at a local restaurant as a teenager, and went on to produce food events around the world, including the James Beard Awards (the food “Oscars”) in New York.

Prior to launching what is now the Culinary Media Network, I was the Director of Culinary Programs for Relais & Chateaux, a collection of some of the world’s finest hotels and restaurants. A lot of my inspiration came from working with chefs like Thomas Keller, Charlie Trotter and Daniel Boulud, as I noticed that each brought a very unique philosophy to his cuisine. This is where I started making the connections between food and sensuality, noticing that in crafting a dish, they were, in a way, making love to every person in their dining rooms. Chefs are sultry creatures.

What is one simple meal that any guy can make to get a girl in the mood?

This, of course, depends on the girl, but the premise is the same, and the root of what I’m talking about: The simple act of nourishing another person with a hand-crafted meal says, “I care. I want to take care of you in a very intimate way.” Food and sex are the only two things that engage all of the senses so potently, so you might consider the first a foreshadowing of the second.

In fact, if you serve finger foods, it intensifies the intimacy — so much so that you might consider it the foreplay.

The most important thing to remember, however, is this: You are priming the senses in anticipation of what is (hopefully) to come after, so keep it light. It’s very tough to enjoy sex if one is overstuffed.

I recommend crafting a couple of easy appetizers that can be made ahead to…prime the pump. Don’t forget to feed them by hand whenever possible.

• Figs & Cheese
  What could be more sensual than the fig? Adam & Eve covered themselves in fig leaves, but I hope they indulged in the actual figs first. Ripened figs served with a bit of Spanish Manchego (a very mild, soft cheese) are simple yet indulgent, and are very sultry.
• Fruit
  Strawberries dipped in raw sugar, grapes or pieces of apple coated with cinnamon sugar
• Seafood
  Lobster pieces dipped in vanilla butter
• Porcini Dusted Scallops
  These would be tough to feed by hand, so I recommend a fork. They are sumptuous, however, and offer a light but fulfilling satisfaction:

Is it really better to make a homemade meal over going out to eat?

The complex answer: Making a meal oneself adds another layer of caring to the process. It is such an intimate act to nourish another person in this way, and the only — aside from sex — that provides life-giving energy to the body. Think of the power in that.

The simple answer: When you make a meal at home, the bedroom is closer.

We both know food is fun in the dining room, but what about in the bedroom? Isn’t that more messy then sexy?

For the most part, yes. Having said that, I do not discount a good bottle of olive oil, a couple of drops of honey, or the delights to be found in whipped cream. Throw a towel on the bed and have a little fun, I say.

Tell me more about what you are trying to do with Sex on a Plate?

When I first started talking about “sex on a plate” on Twitter, it was merely my way of talking about dishes or food experiences that really evoked my senses, or put my mental mouth into high gear. Now that it has taken off, I’m encouraging people to talk about what turns them on from a food point of view, and it’s leading to discussions of the parallels between food and sex.

This makes me very, very happy. It is my life’s mission to help people understand how the two are connected, and how awakening the senses intensifies one’s interpretation — and enjoyment — of the pleasures to be found all around us.

What is the most amazing meal you ever ate?

Oh goodness, this is a tough one to answer. I’ve been fortunate to work with some of the world’s greatest chefs, and to eat some of their most divine creations, so I’ve had a lot of amazing meals. I think the most memorable bite, however, was a perfect tomato served at the chef’s table at Alain Ducasse in Paris. I was a guest of chef Charlie Trotter, and the bite came from his plate, which was offered to me when my eyes lit up at the sight of that ruby red deliciousness. This is what I mean about the act of sharing — if it were my plate, it would have been memorable, but because it was someone else’s, shared with me, it became unforgettable.

I’ve got the great meal, but I’m not much a wine guy. What other drinks can add to the mood?

This is a tricky question. One’s mind might automatically veer toward beer, but I’ll add a caveat: If you are going to serve beer, you want to avoid the “overfull” feeling that comes with it. The way around that is to pour the beer directly down the center of the glass (please don’t serve it in the bottle). It will form a large head, but this is good: Let the beer sit so the bubbles can evaporate, because that will rid the beer of a lot of its gases, and sidestep that bloated feeling you might otherwise get.

A comfortable stomach is important for dessert.

If you want to go the non-alcoholic route, consider still water with lemon or lime. Fruit juices and other drinks will take away from the meal in most cases.

So all of this leads to a night of great sex and then the morning comes. What can a guy do in the morning to make it perfect?

Bring me coffee in bed, just the way I like it.

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The storyteller in me went into high gear and I realized that I wanted to sit down with my father and my father-in-law and get them on camera. Neither of them were all that excited about getting in front of the camera, but I hope they are happy with how it turned out. Since this site is about Dads I wanted to hear them talk about being a Grandfather, a father and about my son. I made sure to get Dylan into the mix as well. Here is my story.

The camera performed as advertised. I’m really happy with how all the footage turned out. This was all shot with natural light indoors and outdoors. The auto focus is faster then others I have seen and the camera has a built in hard drive so you can record hours of footage without worry. It is a bit bulkier and heavier then my Canon HF11 but still performed awesome. i was worried about the placement of the microphone on top of the camcorder, but I was satisfied with the results.

On the video front, it was something that I’m very proud of. It is the first thing in a long time that I’ve conceived from start to finish. Having been on plenty of sets in my Random Foo Pictures days, this really sparked the old bug that has been hibernating for a long time. I even did all the editing and music myself as well which was a huge confidence boost since neither of these are things I’m very good at.

Watching the playback for the first time I got very emotional. I wasn’t ready for that to happen, but it reminded me that I captured the story I wanted to tell. I dedicated the story to my grandfathers who are no longer with us.

I hope you enjoy the story and I’d love to hear what you think.

This post is part of series called the “Sony DigiDads Project” by Sony Electronics where a group of dads, including C.C. Chapman, Jeffrey Sass, Max Kalehoff, Michael Sheehan, and Brad Powell, have been given the opportunity to test and review Sony gear. If you want to know more about this project, head on over to the Sony Electronics Community.

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Manners and respect are a hard thing to teach kids. We had friends over for dinner last weekend and as their daughter jumped out of the car and reacted less then positive to something she was told to do my friend hugs me and asks, “does this manners thing eventually get easier?”

We’ve always had strict rules in our house about respecting adults, treating others with respect and using manners whenever appropriate. I wish I could tell you that it is an easy thing to teach, but it isn’t. What I’ve found is that the best way to do it is repetition. You need to constantly remind them and eventually it’ll crack through and they will listen.

A zero tolerance policy is also important. You can’t bend or it won’t work. Even the littlest thing has to be reminded. I can’t tell you how many times at the dinner table over the course of a week I have to remind the kids to chew with their mouths closed. I do it every time though because I know they will get sick of hearing it (I did when growing up) and eventually it’ll build in them a hate for other people doing it as well. Some day I won’t have to remind them. It’ll become second nature to them.

Boys are extra tough in my mind because we have to teach them extra respect and values. I’m sure that is a little old fashion to say, but I firmly believe it. Case in point that one of my sons best friends is a girl. They are total buddies and one day at school she took his jacket during recess and he hit her on the arm. He got in trouble for this and was completely confused by it because similar things like this happen all the time with his male friends and no one gets in trouble.

It was the perfect time to start laying down the law on the level of respect you must show a woman. Again a zero tolerance policy when it comes to hitting women. Yes, this was a playful tap between two friends, but I want to make sure he knows the difference and he does now. But, again I didn’t just blow off this like I could have but used it as something to reinforce the respect factor.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m figuring this out day-to-day with the kids as we are living through it. But, this week with all these people making tons of money and being watched by the world behaving so poorly really tweaked me. Whenever I see other parents letting their kids run all over them that tweaks me as well.

The only way we are going to have a next generation of well behaved individuals is if they are raised to respect themselves and others and know the manners that are appropriate in each situation. Take the time. Be tough with your kids on this and don’t let them slip. When they do slip, make sure you are there to discipline and teach them so that it doesn’t happen again.

How are you teaching your kids manners and respect? Any secrets to help the rest of us out?

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Now that I have children of my own, I’m trying to pass this mental approach along to them. It isn’t always fun because they openly challenge me on things and then I find myself in an interesting whirlwind that I know I helped create. But, part of me loves it when they do it and these situations always lead to great discussions and learning experiences for both of us.

Along with this, I don’t hand my kids anything on a silver platter. They have to work for it. Just the other day my daughter was complaining to me that she couldn’t accomplish a task correctly and was crying about it. I told her that she first needed to stop crying about it and try again. The only way she was ever going to learn how to do it correctly was to keep trying it until she mastered it. I believe that it is crucial that this be done because otherwise children will never learn that they have to keep pushing forward to be successful.

I recently listened to a conversation and was shocked to hear how held back some people are. Held back by themselves which is a concept I just don’t understand. It is a moment in time that has reminded me that the way I’m raising my children and the way that I hope other parents are raising theirs is the right way.

Parents need to make sure that they are raising children who know that they control their destiny more then anyone else. That there is no dream that is unattainable if you work hard enough at it. Years ago, I was told point blank that there was no way I’d get into Bentley by my guidance councilor and on the day that I got my acceptance letter I slapped it on her desk and walked out. When I first heard the phrase “that isn’t how a marketing agency works” I laughed and started my own agency. I’ve never been able to just sit back and not push forward if I want something bad enough. It just isn’t in my genes.

What I’m getting at is that you need to make sure that your kids realize that the only way to succeed in life is to always work hard, to be strong willed and be the best you can be at whatever it is that you are passionate about. Yes, there are going to be plenty of people standing in your way, telling you no and gates set up  to block them. But, I hope and pray that everything I’m doing with my kids is raising them to be a gatejumper who chases their dreams with every ounce of their soul.

“I can’t do it” is a phrase that is not allowed in my house. My children know that the world is theirs if they want it.

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You’ll never hear me call being a father “a job” because it is so much more then that. It is a responsibility, a blessing and a great joy,but it is never ever a job.

It is Father’s Day morning 2009 and as I read through the paper, quickly checked in online and watched the morning news I got very reflective about being a Dad. I’ve got Harry Chapin’s Greatest Stories Live playing on iTunes because it always makes me think of my Dad. I have fond memories of hearing this for the first time in the DIY installed tape deck my Dad had put in our blue pick up. He’d never consider himself a “maker” but looking back he sure does have a DIY streak that runs through him.

My Father was very active in my life (and still is). He was tough, but also allowed me to live. I try to remember that now with my kids. Letting them go out and make mistakes is a critical thing, but not an easy thing because you know they are going to get hurt, fail and struggle, but they need to in order to really make it in this world. The only way to learn how to pull yourself back up is if you fall down first.

I look around me and I see a million different ways to be a Dad. Not all I agree with, but you’ll never hear me question someone either. The reason we have so many different people in the world is why we have so many different Dads. I’ve always said that normal is boring and that holds true here. As long as a Dad is active in their child’s life, then how they do it I am not going to question. “To each their own…” is a saying my Dad taught me.

But, what does upset me is how Dads seem to get to play second fiddle in the parenting landscape for a lot of people and that is something I just won’t stand for. Yes, there are plenty of horrible and inattentive fathers out there, but they are not the only ones missing in some kids lives. Some people were just not made to be parents and that stretches beyond just guys.

So, today here on Father’s Day 2009 I really want to see all of us online fathers to band together and figure out how we can break the sterotype of the bumbling guy, laying on the couch, mowing the lawn and not doing that much more. Most of the Dads that I know are much more active then that and I want to figure out how we can work together to make that known by all. I don’t have all the answers, but I certainly know I want to see some change.

To all the Dads out there I want to wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. Sure, we don’t need a holiday, but the homemade gifts, silly poems and ties dure do make for a great morning. We celebrated with French Toast and this afternoon I’ll be going to the closing perfomance of my daughters play. Yesterday I got to see my father and my father-in-law. It has been a great weekend and I hope each of you is having as good of a day.

Work hard. Play harder. Be a great Dad!

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What about the Digital Dads?

While they spend plenty of time unplugged, there are plenty of Dads who enjoy their gaming or sports online, whether it be fighting alongside comrades from around the world, picking their fantasy league lineups, or following their favorite sports teams. With that in mind, there’s plenty of options for the Gaming Digital Dad.

• Is Dad relying on ESPN or some other network to broadcast his favorite baseball team? Sign him up for MLB Extra Innings. It’ll get you every non-nationally televised game, many in HD, all the way through October. Also available: MLB.tv. Dad can watch any of those same games right online.
• Does Dad have an iPhone? (No? Get him one! Then…) Steal it and download some great apps for him. Or load it up with some of his favorite tunes. He’ll appreciate that you managed to find all those old songs you don’t like. While you’re at it, get him some nice headphones so Mom doesn’t have to listen to them either.
• Whenever you go to the movies, do you lose Dad in the arcade? The Playstation3 doubles as a Blu-Ray player. Not a bad excuse to upgrade from the old school DVD player and that ancient, dusty PS2. Or, get him a Nintendo Wii and politely mention all the old school games available through the Virtual Console.
• Combine a couple of these music and video game ideas and introduce him to the wonderful world of Guitar Hero. You pick the platform, Dad picks the tunes. Fair trade.

Whatever you end up getting for your Gaming Digital Dad, you know he’ll appreciate it… until you wipe the floor with him on Expert mode. Take it easy on the old man, will ya?

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Jack on the Airplane

Every February, I used to travel to Texas to support my company and its week-long conference. I’ve never been a big fan of travel, but I always thought this was cool. It wasn’t the subject matter that attracted me, but rather the chance to get away from the regular routine. Working in a cube or small office is never fun, but the camaraderie of good people makes a big difference.

My desire to travel changed in early 2006 when my first son, Jack, was born. Yup, it was once of those “love at first sight” deals. As soon as he arrived and changed our lives, my wife and I were his forever. And suddenly, this business trip to Houston did not look so attractive after all.

Many other dads travel a lot more than I ever have in the name of work. (C.C., I’m lookin’ at you.) Whether by plane or train or automobile, they make this sacrifice – perhaps spending days at a time away from their family – all in the hopes of making their family’s lives better.

During my last trip for the company, it sure felt like a sacrifice. All my enthusiasm for this special week was gone, replaced by a longing to stay home with my family. It was not easy. Certainly, my wife had to take care of things by herself, but emotionally, while the cubicle routine was interrupted, it was our family routine I missed most.

I recorded a podcast episode for Baby Time during that business trip, and it ranks up there as one of the most miserable recordings I’ve ever done. But why record? To share with others, and let them know we Digital Dads feel the strain of the nomadic life too, even when it one comes once a year.

So, you do what you can to connect with your home: phone calls, video chats, and pictures galore. You stay connected. You remind yourself you’ll be home soon, and remind the loved ones there that you care. In the end, the welcome home is both a glorious ending and beginning again, all at once.

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Our first son, Jack, changed our lives and the lives of those closest to us. Our schedules, our plans, and our priorities were now different, and as a family of three, we were blissfully happy. By the time he got to be a year and a half old, Kerry and I thought then would be the time to try for Number Two. We considered their ages – “yeah, 2 or so years between them sounds ideal” – and before you could say “epidural,” Max had arrived.

We were ready for Max. The pregnancy was certainly different than the first, but the expectation and excitement was the same. And we had thought it all through: were we, the parents, ready to assume the responsibility of another baby? My goodness, we could not wait, and we knew we had enough love in our hearts for two or for a dozen of our babies.

But was our first son, Jack, ready?

As a two year old toddler, we assumed Jack would continue to just do his own thing, play with his Thomas trains, watch his Mickey Mouse shows, and be the same ol’ happy Jack we had known all his life, most likely oblivious to the arrival of another mouth to feed.

But, it was not long after Max came home that Jack changed. He seemed to not sleep well; the newborn’s room was next to his, so would certainly contribute. But, more than this, Jack almost seemed depressed. Kerry and I both noticed this. Jack just didn’t have that brightness in him that he seemed to always have. He seemed… worried? Confused? Perhaps he wondered if his place in the family was in jeopardy, or if he was being replaced. In fact, he asked a few days later when the baby would be going back to the hospital.

When I was a first time dad, I struggled at times when Jack was a newborn. The fact that newborns don’t smile or give you any sort of “feedback” for months really bothered me; I didn’t realize that a pair of arms to hold him or gentle kisses were really ALL he needed until he was ready to communicate. Once I got Jack to smile, fatherhood really became a wonderful thing, so it pained me to see Jack unhappy when Max came along. It was then that I realized Jack was in the same place I was with him: he loved but didn’t fully understand the baby. Time was all we both needed to figure things out.

When Max did begin to smile – and, boy, does he love to smile – Jack began to really smile again too. Today, Max is almost 10 months old, and Jack loves to make him laugh and smile every day. We can see it really gives him joy.

I always knew there was a lot of me in Jack, but perhaps there’s even more than I realize.

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2. The Matter of Life and Death
3. Be Ready For a Disaster

Yesterday was one of those days. Dylan did some stupid stuff at school and my afternoon went straight from cruising along to permanent distraction from the stress of his actions. I kept trying to get back to the pile of things I wanted to get done, but I just couldn’t focus. I hadn’t had something like that sideline me in a long time.

Everything is fine and in the grand scheme of life it is not a big deal, but it was one of those life lessons that a father has to teach a son.

We took a walk out into the woods behind our house to this big boulder and sat on that for a while talking about a lot of different things. It was a good bonding moment and one that I hope sticks with him. Plus, for me it got me in the woods where I can always re-balance and calm down. My “cathedral of the pines” as I’ve called it more then once.

There are a lot of core values that as a Dad I must instill in my son. I know that as he turns 10 in a few weeks those lessons are going to continue to become even more important and that things are not going to get any easier. Double digits? Wow did that sneak up on me!

I wouldn’t trade being a Dad for anything in the world, but damn it can deliver a mean right hook to your brain some times! *laugh*

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1. Olympic Reflections