In Part 1 (all those months ago – sorry!), I talked about some of the emotional stages many men experience when making the final, gut-wrenching decision to move on from a failing relationship and how the crippling thought of breaking this news to your children can effect that decision. After months, sometimes years, of traveling down this path, you have come to the decision that two happy parents in two different places will be a better quality of life for your kids than two miserable parents under one roof.
Now, how do you approach the single hardest thing you will ever do in your life? How do you tell your children that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living in the same house?
Before we get to that, let’s talk about the second hardest thing you will ever do in your life… putting aside your feelings of hurt/betrayal/anger and talking sensibly and with sensitivity with your soon-to-be-X about what is truly best for the kids and how you will BOTH calmly sit down and talk to them.
Swallowing your male instincts to react to “hurt” by being aggressive and stubborn is a big enough pill to swallow for most men. We all do it. Either in a Passive-Aggressive manifestation or in a case such as mine, reverting to my Italian heritage and yelling at everyone.
This is a crucial, defining moment in your child’s life. You do not get to be selfish about it.
This is not about you.
It’s not about her.
It’s not about the myriad things you’ve done to each other that brought you to this.
As obvious as this may sound, please take a moment to absorb these words… the way you handle this approach will become part of the identity and attitude of the person your children will grow to be.
This is a milestone in your child’s life that (assuming they’re older than a toddler) they will remember until their dying day. It will shape their overall ability to “adjust” and their emotional response mechanism to relationships, in general. It will inform their instinctive interactions with their own children. Think about how often you’ve heard your parent’s voices coming from your mouth?
Find the strength, some might say, the TRUE strength of being a man, to be a father first and find that common ground with your child’s mother. Regardless of all the pain you’re causing each other, being parents to your children will always be the one thing you have in common. Long after the divorce proceedings have passed and you have both moved on, possibly even to a new marriage and family, you will STILL be a “Parenting Team” for the children you have together. Divorce does not mean you are getting rid of each other. The sooner you get that out of your head, the easier it will be to focus on how you will both manage the immediate conversation with the children and all of the arrangements that follow.
One quick thing I’d like to address with regards to “arrangements”. Kids need their dads. PERIOD! Do not let anyone ever make you feel like it’s acceptable to be the “every other weekend and two weeks in the summer” part-time dad. This notion is archaic and will do unspeakable damage to your children emotionally. If you’ve been following along with this series since Part 1 and laboring similarly, chances are you would fight tooth and nail against this dated mindset anyway. Still, it’s important to be said. Say it to yourself now – my kids NEED their Dad. Believe it buddy!
Your wife and yourself have somehow managed to come to a calm consensus that truly represents the best thing for the people you love most in your life. It may have taken weeks or months but you have both arrived.
First of all, take a moment to acknowledge this in each other. It’s OK to give each other credit. I guarantee it was as difficult for her as it was for you.
The literal moment of truth – you and your spouse sit your children down. This will be emotional and that’s OK. You’re allowed to feel. Just tread lightly between representing emotion and exuding a sense of confidence in what you’re saying. Too far to either side and your incredibly intuitive little people will feel like you’re selling them a line. Just be Dad.
A few bullets to consider:
• Decide, prior to the talk, which of you will open the conversation.
• Let each other (spouse) talk. Don’t talk over each other.
• Use “we” when talking about the decisions that have been made
• Physical contact with your kids (holding a hand, rubbing the back, etc)
• Make it absolutely clear that they are the best kids that have ever walked the face of the Earth and tell them how loved they are and how proud you are of them
• Show respect for your spouse (even if you sense it isn’t returned)
• Make it clear to them that you will always be there and lay out your plan “how”
• Answer every question with honesty but remember who your audience is. Find a “glass half full” way to answer them.
• Make eye contact
• Get physically down to their level (kneel or sit)
• Acknowledge and validate their feelings
• Let them know they can talk to both of you ANYTIME and the conversation doesn’t have to end after this talk if they have questions.
• I know this is about as uncomfortable as it gets but don’t rush through this
• Tell them how much you love them
All I can think of when I remember back to this moment in my life is the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan’s “Hold On”. “Hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell”. It will be hard — plain and simple. Doing everything you can, ahead of time, to eliminate the potential for “regrets” will pay dividends throughout the lifetime of your children.
Support: Don’t be too proud to ask for help going into this and again on the other side. Having a positive support system that understands and accepts your decisions is key. The “one-sided sympathizers” are frequently really unhelpful, though their intentions are good. “Your wife is a bitch” is not a constructive comment or demonstration of support.
KNOW that you are doing the right thing and best of luck. You can do this.
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