Posts About ‘General Parenting’

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The Strangest Question

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

Being a first-time Dad as a middle-aged man has been interesting to say the least. It’s never been bad, but definitely interesting for a variety of reasons. One of the oddest things that’s stuck with me for the three years of my son’s life as been a question that’s come my way on too many occasions. After someone finds out my age (45 this year), they ask, “so was it on purpose?” My response has been consistent: of course, there’s no such thing as accidental sex.

OK, I know what I’m actually being asked, but I don’t really like the implication, even when the question comes from someone who’s close enough to my wife and I that the question isn’t offensive. It’s as if a memo went out from the Men’s Department to all the middle aged guys informing them they shouldn’t have kids after they enter middle age, and it appears I crossed the threshold and recklessly dismissed the memo’s authoritative guidance. Or perhaps I just didn’t receive it.

Being a Dad at any age is special and there are certainly uniquely special things about being a Dad at different times in your own life. With my wife and I, we made a deliberate decision to sacrifice our younger years (with all the associated strength and energy) to build an environment at home that would allow us to more comfortably raise a little one–primarily in two areas: our own maturity and financial stability.

So putting the oddity and perhaps the improper nature of the question aside, I love being a Dad. I mean I really LOVE being a Dad, more than I could have ever imagined. No regrets. I see and feel my own bodily limitations and know that these wouldn’t be issues if I were a twenty- or thirty-something, but that’s OK. I still see the world again through the eyes of my three year old son–at times causing frustration for my sweet wife who feel she has two three year olds. I might be a bit slower (or more cautious) but there isn’t anything I can’t do with my son. Maybe in 10 years he’ll be able to break my hip, but for now, I’m OK.

Here’s the real bottom line–if the time is right, it’s never too late to be a Dad. Compared to the gain, you lose nothing except perhaps a slice off the ego when folks ask the strangest question, or as you anticipate being in your 60s when your child is graduating from high school. I’m OK with that though and suspect that most of you other Dads out there are too. For those of you who worry about having a first (or another) child as a middle aged man, I’m your champion. Go for it! Who knows, I just might have to thumb my nose at the memo crowd and have another myself. It’s great to be a Dad!

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New Jacket & Shoes for Dad

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

A lot of men, especially-pressed-for-time fathers, tend to think items like a jacket and shoes in the purely functional sense unless they’re specifically dressing up for an event.  While that’s understandable it’s also almost always to their detriment, making them appear older and frumpier.  One of my clients this weekend had just that dilemma. 

He spends all day on his feet, and like many men before him, thought that there’s no way a good looking shoe could be as comfortable as his hiking boot.  He was also a little leery of giving up his windbreaker since he needs lots of pockets and thought a more stylish jacket would not give him as much ‘mobile storage’.  

We outfitted him in Johnston & Murphy shoes that were so comfortable he was grinning from the moment he tried them on and a Zara cotton military jacket with more pockets than his windbreaker.  Best of all, by switching out just those two items in his lineup he looks 10 years younger and infinitely cooler.   

So, in case you haven’t heard me say this a million times yet: Gentlemen, you no longer have to settle, no more choosing between comfort and style, they can now be commonly found sharing the same point in space and time. 

Posted in Ask Emmi, Fashion, General Parenting, Guy Stuff, Life Lessons, Sex & Romance | View Comments

Tracking Our Kids

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Location services such as Gowalla and Foursquare are changing the way some people keep tabs on where their friends are and what they are doing. But, could technology like this be used to help parents keep track of their kids? Should we even be thinking about this possibility?

Cast of Dads #13 (listen or subscribe) focused on that topic. One of the other Dad’s likes how his son and him are using Foursquare to keep each other updated on where they are. But, of course this is passive and it only works IF they check into a location.

There is technology out there, and more coming I’m sure, where we could almost monitor our kids movements similar to the way scientists track migrating whales and antelope. But, do we want this? Is it even really needed or have we really gone to far in our constant worry that the big evil world out there is going to swallow up our kids.

While the peace of mind something like this might give me, I think right now I lean more towards the side of letting them being kids. Letting them go and do what they are going to do. I know they are going to tell me they are going one place and end up at another. They are going to sneak around and do things they don’t want me to know. It is all part of growing up and figuring out boundaries.

I want my kids to know that I trust them. My parents let me go out and wandering around without them knowing exactly where I was and guess what? I turned out ok. Generations of kids have gone out without this technology and somehow society has continued to push forward.

The world is not any scarier then it use to be. It is just that we all hear about the bad more then the good now. The media loves to throw us into a panic over almost anything because everyone watches and tunes in for more, but the boogieman that we all worry about has always been out there since the dawn of time.

My kids need to know I trust them. If I’m tracking their every move I don’t see how that can ever happen.

What do you think?

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Dealing as Dad in Divorce PT 2: The Conversation & the Second Hardest Thing You Will Do in Your Life

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

In Part 1 (all those months ago – sorry!), I talked about some of the emotional stages many men experience when making the final, gut-wrenching decision to move on from a failing relationship and how the crippling thought of breaking this news to your children can effect that decision. After months, sometimes years, of traveling down this path, you have come to the decision that two happy parents in two different places will be a better quality of life for your kids than two miserable parents under one roof.

Now, how do you approach the single hardest thing you will ever do in your life? How do you tell your children that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living in the same house?

Before we get to that, let’s talk about the second hardest thing you will ever do in your life… putting aside your feelings of hurt/betrayal/anger and talking sensibly and with sensitivity with your soon-to-be-X about what is truly best for the kids and how you will BOTH calmly sit down and talk to them.

Swallowing your male instincts to react to “hurt” by being aggressive and stubborn is a big enough pill to swallow for most men. We all do it. Either in a Passive-Aggressive manifestation or in a case such as mine, reverting to my Italian heritage and yelling at everyone.

This is a crucial, defining moment in your child’s life. You do not get to be selfish about it.

This is not about you.

It’s not about her.

It’s not about the myriad things you’ve done to each other that brought you to this.

As obvious as this may sound, please take a moment to absorb these words… the way you handle this approach will become part of the identity and attitude of the person your children will grow to be.

This is a milestone in your child’s life that (assuming they’re older than a toddler) they will remember until their dying day. It will shape their overall ability to “adjust” and their emotional response mechanism to relationships, in general. It will inform their instinctive interactions with their own children. Think about how often you’ve heard your parent’s voices coming from your mouth?

Find the strength, some might say, the TRUE strength of being a man, to be a father first and find that common ground with your child’s mother. Regardless of all the pain you’re causing each other, being parents to your children will always be the one thing you have in common. Long after the divorce proceedings have passed and you have both moved on, possibly even to a new marriage and family, you will STILL be a “Parenting Team” for the children you have together. Divorce does not mean you are getting rid of each other. The sooner you get that out of your head, the easier it will be to focus on how you will both manage the immediate conversation with the children and all of the arrangements that follow.

One quick thing I’d like to address with regards to “arrangements”. Kids need their dads. PERIOD! Do not let anyone ever make you feel like it’s acceptable to be the “every other weekend and two weeks in the summer” part-time dad. This notion is archaic and will do unspeakable damage to your children emotionally. If you’ve been following along with this series since Part 1 and laboring similarly, chances are you would fight tooth and nail against this dated mindset anyway. Still, it’s important to be said. Say it to yourself now – my kids NEED their Dad. Believe it buddy!

Your wife and yourself have somehow managed to come to a calm consensus that truly represents the best thing for the people you love most in your life. It may have taken weeks or months but you have both arrived.

First of all, take a moment to acknowledge this in each other. It’s OK to give each other credit. I guarantee it was as difficult for her as it was for you.

The literal moment of truth – you and your spouse sit your children down. This will be emotional and that’s OK. You’re allowed to feel. Just tread lightly between representing emotion and exuding a sense of confidence in what you’re saying. Too far to either side and your incredibly intuitive little people will feel like you’re selling them a line. Just be Dad.

A few bullets to consider:

• Decide, prior to the talk, which of you will open the conversation.

• Let each other (spouse) talk. Don’t talk over each other.

• Use “we” when talking about the decisions that have been made

• Physical contact with your kids (holding a hand, rubbing the back, etc)

• Make it absolutely clear that they are the best kids that have ever walked the face of the Earth and tell them how loved they are and how proud you are of them

• Show respect for your spouse (even if you sense it isn’t returned)

• Make it clear to them that you will always be there and lay out your plan “how”

• Answer every question with honesty but remember who your audience is. Find a “glass half full” way to answer them.

• Make eye contact

• Get physically down to their level (kneel or sit)

• Acknowledge and validate their feelings

• Let them know they can talk to both of you ANYTIME and the conversation doesn’t have to end after this talk if they have questions.

• I know this is about as uncomfortable as it gets but don’t rush through this

• Tell them how much you love them

All I can think of when I remember back to this moment in my life is the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan’s “Hold On”. “Hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell”. It will be hard — plain and simple. Doing everything you can, ahead of time, to eliminate the potential for “regrets” will pay dividends throughout the lifetime of your children.

Support: Don’t be too proud to ask for help going into this and again on the other side. Having a positive support system that understands and accepts your decisions is key. The “one-sided sympathizers” are frequently really unhelpful, though their intentions are good. “Your wife is a bitch” is not a constructive comment or demonstration of support.

KNOW that you are doing the right thing and best of luck. You can do this.

Posted in Children, Emotions, General Parenting, Internet Advice, Life Lessons, Relationships | View Comments

Wow

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Chance & HenryHoly Moly, I did it!

Wait, she did it. But, hey so did I! Wait, WE did it!

*This is a long article; plan your life accordingly* (more…)

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Posted in General Parenting, Sons | View Comments

My Name is Chance

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Hi. My name is Chance. I think it’s fair to say that introductions are in order.

I am an independent solo artist based in Los Angeles, CA, and, through a certain mix of alchemy, diabolical processes & nefarious actions, I am now a Dad.

Yea, I know.

I met C.C. many moons ago, online and most virtually, when one of us contacted the other about music (mine) being played on a podcast (his). Since then, we’ve become great virtual friends — even meeting at one time, all old school and in the flesh (Full disclosure: C.C. even bought my son his first baby swing!). So, when he mentioned Digital Dads was adding more writers, and asked if I would be interested, I put it thusly:

“Sure!”

Plan on this Dad writing from this Dad’s perspective. You will probably hear passioned —with occasional bits of reasoned— observation, but don’t mistake or misjudge my enthusiasm for proselytizing. Things that work for me (or don’t) may not work for you (or will).

One thing is true: Being a Dad is a puzzle. One big puzzle; like the ones you used to check out at the public library and has 4 pieces missing.

And guess what our job is?

Well, coming soon, my first article, entitled: “WOW.”

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I Miss the Boy Scouts

Monday, February 8th, 2010

Today marks the 100th birthday for The Boy Scouts of America. Happy birthday BSA!

I grew up as a scout. I raced pine wood derby cars, went to summer camp, learned how to make a fire, went to a National Jamboree and spent many nights under the stars on a variety of camping trips. The day I was was given my Order of the Arrow Vigil sash is still one of my fondest and proudest memories. I loved it all and know that it had a ton to do with shaping me into the man I am today.

But, the scouts I grew up loving are lost to me now. I can’t find them anywhere.

After graduating from college and moving to Virginia, I looked to get back active with the scouts as I hadn’t done a lot with them during college. I didn’t have kids yet and knew that it would be a great way to give back and have fun at the same time. But, the troops I found were more interested in badges and the latest gear rather then the skills I had hoped to be teaching the kids. As I’ve interacted with scouts here and there since then I’ve found that they don’t seem to teach the same skills that I grew up loving any more. Sure, they are there in the books and you can earn badges for them, but they don’t seem to be as important as they were before.

I know that there are plenty of Scout Masters and troops out there who do still teach kids how to survive in the woods and how to truly camp rather then pulling up, parking and setting up a tent. I don’t want to discount that. I just haven’t found the right group to work with.

But, even if I could find the right troop to work with I personally can’t support the organization any more either. Their rules about not allowing atheists to be members and banning of homosexuals from being involved are two inexcusable faults that will keep me and my son from ever being involved in the program. It pains me to say that, but it it is the truth. I can’t support organizations that openly support discrimination.

I’ve been lucky that Dylan has never asked much about joining the Boy Scouts. Not many of his friends are involved so we’ve never had the tough chat that I figured was coming. I want my children to try out every adventure they wish for, but this is one that I won’t allow to happen.

The Scouts have lost their way in my opinion. I don’t know if it it is just mine or not, but I really hope that someday they change their mind and go back to embracing their root values and teachings for all boys. I firmly believe in the Boy Scouts and what they stand for. I think getting kids away from the computers, iPods and other devices and throwing a backpack full of gear on them and spending a weekend in the woods (multiple times) is a great thing for every kid to go through.

Learning to be a leader and working with teams are vital skills that everyone needs to succeed in life and the Boy Scouts helped teach me that. I’m sure that they are still teaching those skills to a new generation of boys.

I’m not looking to stir up controversy, but when I saw that the birthday was today I had to share my thoughts.

The Boy Scouts of America is a great organization that was a crucial part of my life. I hope that sometime in the future it can be again.

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Internet Safety For Kids – Be Involved. Not Stupid.

Monday, November 16th, 2009

There are evil people on the Internet. Right now there is some child abusing scum just waiting to find an unaware child on the Internet. Guess what? There are those same people who want to abuse your children in your neighborhood, at the mall and in every corner of the world. The real truth is that the world is full of bad people and that includes online.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I need to slap a little reality into all the parents out there who are scared to death of their kids getting online.

Dad surfing with Son

I recently spoke at an elementary school about Internet Safety. It was a small group of parents, but I was excited about it because I wanted to really answer their questions. As the organizer of the event explained some of what the school was already up to (including the awesome idea of a secured Ning site for their students to interact with other students around the world) and two police officers briefed them on all the scary facts about online dangers, I began to get worried. I could see that some of the parents were genuinely scared when they found out their kids were talking to other kids and adults (school staff in this case) online. But, I also knew I had my kids in the room with me and I wanted to show them from one parent to another why all of this is a good thing and not something to run away from.

If you are a parent, you need to realize that your kids ARE going to be online. They are going to set up social networking accounts, talk to complete strangers on them, watch videos, chat, etc. They are going to do this no matter if you let them or not. They may not do it at home, but they will do it at school and when they are hanging out with friends. Just like experimenting with drinking, drugs and each other, it is part of growing up. We all went through it and turned out ok for the most part so it is up to us to help our kids get through it as well.

With all of these issues and especially the online piece the answer is you MUST be involved. You too must be checking out these sites and using them so that you understand what they are all about and can teach your kids how to use them. You are responsible to teach them the right and wrong way to use the Internet. Just like you are responsible for teaching them about safe driving, safe sex and say no to drugs. It is up to YOU to teach them..

Some practical advice I gave to the parents that night and that I want to share with you:

  1. Get Yourself Online
    I don’t want to hear you whining about not having time or barely understanding e-mail. Your kids are growing up with a computer as an integrated part of their lives and will always be. If you have a computer in the house then they are going to start using services like Facebook, YouTube and others and you must understand them as well. These services are free and honestly the only way to understand them is to use them. Make sure to always check the privacy settings on each service as they are not all the same, but they are all important as they control who can see what about you. Still confused? Ask your kids to show you them or find someone at your children’s school who can answer your questions.
  2. Put The Computer In a Family Space
    I won’t allow my kids to have computers in their rooms even though they keep asking me for it. When we got them a computer last Christmas, we put it in the living room. That way when they are on it we can always see what they are doing. We also have several laptops in the house and they know they can’t bring those up to their room either. Anything they should be doing online they should be comfortable doing with us around. Plus, this way I can see how long they’ve been online and kick them off it when appropriate.
  3. Monitor Them
    I’m not talking about secret spying, but Emily and Dylan both know that we have parental controls turned on the computer. They know that I can go back and look at every site they’ve been to. This is not a secret and it is important that they know this. I don’t want to snoop around and I won’t ever go into their e-mail or track their IM conversations, but keeping a web history that they can’t delete is something I will do. The newest Mac OS and Windows 7 both have these sort of controls built in. There are other software options out there that can do even more then this, but the basics can be covered by what you have.
  4. Talk to Your Kids
    I’ve made it very clear to the kids what is inappropriate. Just like I taught them not to talk to strangers or ever get in someone else’s car, I’m also teaching them what not to do online. First names only, never give a home address, being vague about where they go to school and the town they live in. User accounts are always a silly name rather than their own. They never give out a phone number. All things that hold true online and off and as they begin to get older and use it more, I will talk to them more about it. It is part of our every day conversation and it is not uncommon to hear “You’ve got to see this video on YouTube” come up at dinner. And just like “the talk”, this can not be a one time thing. You have to keep talking about it.
  5. Don’t Fear Google
    If I hear one more time “your kids might see porn if they mistype something into Google” I am going to scream. Google has simple settings that you can set on your computer to hide that sort of content. It isn’t perfect, but it will filter out the majority of it on your home computers. Plus, guess what? Your kids are going to see naked people at some point in their lives. They might actually go and seek it out on the web out of curiosity or other reasons. Shocking I know.

    But, again it is up to you to teach them what is right and appropriate and what is not. Search engines are amazing tools. Just the other night i was showing my son how to filter for images for a project he was working on and I had no worries about porn coming up when we searched for “vikings” because I knew the settings I had set would keep it clean. But. school computers, or ones at friend’s house might not have these settings so that is why you must talk about this rather than trying to hide from it.

These are just five tips, but they are five important ones.

To all the parents who think that not allowing their children to get online and sheltering them from the Internet is the solution I have one thing to tell you. You are ignorant and stupid. Sorry to be so blunt, but I refuse’t sugar coat it for you.

Sheltering our children from everything that might be bad in the world is never the solution. No one can live in a bubble and turn out ok. Children need to learn what is good and what is bad and how they are suppose to operate online in order to be successful in their lives. Just because the computer might not be important or needed by you, they are never going to know a world without them.

You need to instill in them what is appropriate. Just like you are going to teach them how to respect others, how to drive a car and how to do good in school. How to act online is just a new part of the parenting puzzle and you are responsible for this whether you like it or not.

I live and breath in this space and I can tell you that the amount of good things that have happened far outweigh the few bad things. I’m more worried about my kids and what might happen to them out in the real world then I ever will be about what they might run into online.

Don’t be stupid. Get active and get involved with your kids online. That is the way a good parent should act.

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Yelling – Is It Needed?

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

In my travels around the web yesterday, I noticed some people talking about article in the NY Times called For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking by Hilary Stout.

parentyell

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about and was curious to get some other parents opinions on.

I’ve been known to raise my voice to the kids. It is weird because I don’t have a temper for the most part and usually if I get in a heated discussion or argument with someone I go ice cold and direct. But, when it comes to the kids they stress me out to the point where I’d just snap and the only way to get through to them would be to yell. I always feel bad about it and depending on the reasons for it I usually end up apologizing after the fact for raising my voice or yelling and having a regular conversation about what they did wrong or whatever it was that set me off.

Of course this goes against everything we have taught them about how any discussion can be had with a leveled voice. We try to always leave attitude at the door and have regular conversations no matter what it is. But, we both break that from time to time as this morning quickly reminded me.

Several months back (maybe even longer now) I was talking with my sisters and one of them made a remark about how they never remember our Dad ever raising his voice at us. I keep thinking about that every time I do raise my voice and the weird thing is that I don’t remember him ever doing it. When he reads this I’m curious what his memories will be.

I grew up in a household where I knew that if I stepped out of line I’d be in trouble. That was crystal clear and has kept me on a pretty straight path my whole life. Yet, my parents were laid back and didn’t raise their voices. How did that work? In the times where I was really getting on their nerves or pushing all the wrong buttons how was it that they kept it level and didn’t yell. Self control is a great thing, but it only goes so far right?

I don’t have the answers. I’ve never claimed to, but this is a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about and the NY Times piece really got me thinking about it and I wanted to know what other parents thought about this.

Do you yell at your kids? Do you feel bad after?

My answer is certainly yes to both, but I want to hear your stories.

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Posted in Discipline, General Parenting | View Comments

Becoming a Dad

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

I remember when I first found out that I was going to be a father. I was filled with excitement, fear, joy and a bunch of other emotions that you can’t really express unless you’ve been there.

Back then we were living in Virginia and away from all of our family and friends. The decision of how and when to tell people is never an easy thing to do, but we made the best of it and figured it out. We didn’t have things like Twitter or Facebook to tell masses of people at one time, so the news trickled out slowly and surely and it was always fun to have new people find out and get in touch.

This morning my good friend Clarence told the world that he is going to be a poppa and he did it in a way that I’ve never been part of before. He did it by posting the comic below on one of his projects called Planet Wifey. I’ve known about the news for a bit and I’m glad he got the chance (and felt that we were close enough) to tell me in person, but I love that so many other people will find out from this comic.

Planet Wife 2009-10-02

The one thing I tell every guy who tells me they are going to be a Dad for the first time is the same thing a friend from Bentley told me when I told him the news.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “You think you know that you are going to be a Dad, but you really don’t yet. Just wait and at some point, somewhere the news is really going to hit you and then you’ll know you are going to be a dad.”

I laughed it off and then I remember being at a red light, months later on my way home from work when this wave of “oh shit I’m going to be a Dad!” washed over me. I broke down crying and was filled with an even bigger mix of emotions then I had before. I laughed at myself as I realized this is what my friend meant. Now I knew I was going to be a dad.

So, now I give that same bit of advice to every new dad. I also always recommend The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be as my book of choice for guys to read. I read them all and that is the one that stuck with me and was actually written in a way that a guy wants to read and I respected that.

Congrats to Clarence and to all the new Dads out there. It feels like something is in the water lately because there are a lot of new babies on the horizon.

What advice do you give to your friends when they tell you they are becoming fathers? I’d love to hear!

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