Well, the final week of the regular season is upon us. That means that most of you are done with your fantasy football season. I have one more game, the second half of the final, which I’ll probably lose as I’m going in down by 51 points. I lost my other final too, so that means second place in two leagues this year. Lame, but the good news is that I get double my money back and had some fun along the way. Next year, I’m winning them all.
In other news, the playoffs are just about set – in the AFC. The NFC is still waiting for the East to get their shit together, and the North to figure out a wild-card, which could come from the East as well. The Giants and Cowboys are at 8-7, Washington is at 9-7 which means it comes down to the final game of the weekend to decide that division and who gets into the playoffs, though that decision could be made before then if the Giants lose to the Eagles and the Bears and Vikings lose, or something like that. Or reverse. Whatever happens, I bet the Giants will find a way to sneak into the playoffs again. We’ll keep it quick this week, so you can go back to finding after Christmas sales and watching porn. Don’t lie. That’s exactly what you’re doing.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta -0.0
Atlanta has already clinched home-field advantage and will be benching starters in the second half. The Bucs have played well this season, to a fault. I’m still taking the Falcons at home. FYI: if they win, I was totally right about their record.
NY Jets at Buffalo -3.0
Who cares? Um… Bills to win.
Baltimore at Cincinnati -3.0
Nothing to play for here as the Ravens have the division and both teams have made the playoffs. I gather this will be a slow game, none of the players looking to get hurt. Sucks for the product sometimes, but I get it. Bengals to win.
Chicago at Detroit +3.0
The Lions, who have had a forgettable season with an undisciplined defensive line, have a chance to play spoiler here. The Bears have not yet made the playoffs, but a win here gets them in unless the Vikings also win, and then I’m not sure what happens. They are 1-1 on the season, though the Vikings have more division wins. So that must be the tiebreaker right? Either way, the Bears have to win, so expect them to come out attacking the Lions secondary, who will almost certainly be sleeping on the job this week. Bears to win.
Jacksonville at Tennessee -4.0
If the Jags fuck up getting Tebow for next season, then they are roasted as a franchise. They will lose whatever fans they have left. TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW TEBOW. Titans to win at home cause that Jake Locker kid is actually not as bad as he looks.
Houston at Indianapolis +7.0
Houston and Indy have both clinched the playoffs, Houston has the division but probably wants this win to lock up home-field advantage. So they’ll be playing to win. Great defensive season for them, hopefully TJ Yates stays on the sidelines in the playoffs. The Colts went from worst to the playoffs in a season, with a little Luck and a tenacious defense. That, and four games against the Titans and Jags. They can rest starters, they can’t change their position. Texans to win.
Carolina at New Orleans -5.5
I’m surprised that Carolina won 6 games. Saints to win at home, by like a billion points just for one last blowout party of the year.
Philadelphia at NY Giants -7.0
The Giants have to win this game if they want to get that longshot chance at the playoffs, and they couldn’t ask for a better divisional match-up this year. Even better for the Giants, there is early word that Vick might start, which is yet another in a long line of dumbass decisions by Andy Reid this season. Why in the fuck would you start Vick? Chances are he’s gone next season, now is the perfect time to keep Foles in and evaluate him against a strong Giants team. Whatever. Eagles are terrible. I was wrong about them though, predicted they would go 8-8. And I was 100% wrong about the Redskins. Who knew?
Cleveland at Pittsburgh -0.0
The Steelers are out of the playoffs for the first time in a long time. Last year they got Tebow’ed, this year they get to finish the season on a low note against the Browns. The Browns have had nothing to play for since like week 4, so they will be going full steam this week just to try to beat the Steelers twice in a season since… probably ever. I’m taking the Browns to win.
Kansas City at Denver -16.0
Ha ha. Denver to win and cruise into the playoffs. Here’s the question though, can Manning win after getting a week off in the playoffs? Hmmm???
Green Bay at Minnesota +3.0
The Vikings absolutely have to win if they want to get into the playoffs. The Packers have sealed up the division and would probably like to ensure they have a 1st round bye. So they’ll be on their game this week, which is bad news for the Vikings secondary. And no weather to fuck with Rodgers passing game? Yeah. Packers to win.
Miami at New England -10.0
Patriots are right where they should be. Coasting into the playoffs and if you think they will be resting starters, you are nuts. Miami to lose. Bad.
Oakland at San Diego -0.0
I wonder if Oakland kept the receipt for Palmer? Chargers to win.
Arizona at San Francisco -16.5 AND St. Louis at Seattle -10.5
May as well run this division all at once. The Rams and Cardinals have had crummy seasons, the highlight for the Rams was beating the Niners in overtime and forcing a stupid tie in their other game. The highlight for the Cardinals was… was… nothing. The Seahawks have been on fire, but that running up the score shit and passing late will come back to haunt them in the playoffs. They need a win this week to get the division, if the Niners lose. I think. I have no idea what the tie breaker is here either. So confusing. Someone read the rules. Either way, Niners and Seahawks to win, to make it super confusing.
Dallas at Washington -3.0
And the big meaningful game for the NFC East. Know what? The Cowboys aren’t going to win this game. The Redskins are playing too good, rushing too good and RGIII has been a quality rookie surprise. I’m taking the Redskins to win, but to lose in the first round of the playoffs.