"Get out mah way KG! I'm the KING!" (AP)

Honestly, it’s tough writing this column when it’s not football season. Of course, this column doesn’t exist during football season as then it’s all about football. Nothing but the NFL. So some weeks, I feel that I’m just mailing it in. Well, I was assured by Clarence and CC, that people give a shit about this column and I’m providing a much needed service and that I’m pretty awesome and have huge manly biceps and look good in Hawaiian shirts. Ok, maybe not all that but sometimes it’s tough to write this when I really don’t care that much for the NBA.

No matter how much I dislike the NBA though, when both the Lakers and the Celtics get bounced out of the playoffs like they did this past week, I can’t help but write about it and check out some of the story lines. First off, it appears that the controversy in the Boston/Miami series is that the referees were favoring the Heat, and making sideways calls against the Celtics. I really don’t doubt it. Now, I’m of the #notitlesinboston school of thought, but there were some sketchy calls on the Celtics. Paul Pierce gave that sad, disappointed face more often than not, and the Celtics got bounced out in five games.

The worst part about all this is that suddenly, LeBron James is being praised as the king again. From Matt Moore, at MSNBC: “For a player who had been given so much before he’d earned it, who had been titled King before he had a kingdom, it felt like an ascension. It wasn’t how people wanted him to do it, and he may never be forgiven. But maybe LeBron’s ready to be King of his jungle, finally.” So he’s king of the jungle now because he beat the Celtics? The Celtics pretty much beat themselves. I can’t analyze it too much, but I know that they weren’t there on defense, they weren’t getting defensive rebounds enough and KG was certainly mailing it in. LeBron was good, sure, but every time a Celtic player affected the wind shear in LeBron’s circle of existence, a foul was called. The guy was protected. The NBA wants the Heat to win this year, without fail.

As for the Lakers, what is there to say? They just looked sluggish, played dirty and got caught throwing unnecessary elbows. Really Bynum? You thought you could get away with that shit? Bynum’s elbow (after Artest tossing one in game 2) was a sleazy, ridiculous move done out of frustration and stupidity. The Mavericks are a good basketball team, and they caught the Lakers completely off guard. Like they couldn’t see Dirk coming from a mile away. The Lakers never seemed coherent, and after they were down two games there was pretty much no coming back. They played sluggish, and never really seemed to catch on until too late in the game.

I think the most interesting thing is that Dirk didn’t throw any elbows back. He’s not the guy to normally back down, but I think that unlike the Lakers, he carries his team. He’s the center of the squad, and a retaliation by Dirk would have thrown them into a spiral of bad behavior. Plus, the Lakers are the Lakers, and while the Mavs swept them, they were still considered the underdogs. So Dirk couldn’t risk it. There were some moments where he came close though, and I’m sure a lot of words were exchanged between him and anyone in a yellow and purple jersey in his vicinity.

So with that, the Lakers are gone and most likely – Phil Jackson too. With the addition of the Celtics bowing out of the playoffs, one has to wonder if many of the veterans on both teams will return next year. Is this an end of an era? Will we see either of these teams back in the playoffs in the next couple years, or does the rebuilding stage begin now? Considering half the league gets into the playoffs, I’d give them a 50/50 shot at getting back to the playoffs. Not easy enough for you? Ok, I give it a 100% shot that one of these teams will be back in the playoffs next year. Fair enough?

Tiger Tired. Tiger no Want to Play. Tiger Need Floozy to Lick Tigers Wounds.

Earlier this week, fellow golfer Bubba Watson pretty much said that Tiger’s problems have been mental, and he needs to work on that. Yet, Tiger is again citing a physical ailment that has caused him to withdraw from the Players Championship. Apparently, he thought his leg was good to go, but it wasn’t. “The treatment’s been good. It’s been getting better. It just wasn’t enough,” he said. Frankly, I think it’s all bullshit.

It’s easy to fake a leg injury. And sure, at one point maybe it was injured. But the bottom line is this, the Tiger Woods that we know is gone. He’s been replaced by a normal golfer with normal problems. Ever since he got caught cheating, ever since his divorce – he’s changed. He’s not superhuman anymore. He’s normal. So here’s my theory, Tiger needs to fuck for fuel. The stable of whores is what made Tiger strong. We, the discerning public (not me though) took that away from him. Tiger needs to fuck, let Tiger fuck. And not just have a girlfriend, but the skanky waitresses, truck stop whores and strippers that make him more human than human.

What’s going on with Tiger now is mental. He gets frustrated too easy, he misses shots, he’s playing sloppy and therefore – more susceptible to injury. All because he hasn’t been sinking his personal putter into as many holes as he can. And this is the fault of the fans, of the judging public. Well fuck all of you. Do you want the best golfer in the world back, or do you want a “nice guy?” Tiger, if you are reading this – GET AFTER IT. Get some pussy. You deserve it buddy. We need you back.

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