Holy Moly, I did it!
Wait, she did it. But, hey so did I! Wait, WE did it!
*This is a long article; plan your life accordingly*
We planned our kid. Took 7 months of target practice before the bullet met the bullseye. The pregnancy was healthy and relatively pain free. The labor process only had one blip in it (where the umbilical cord wrapped around him and his heart rate went down; we had 20 people in our room in 15 seconds. I’m not exaggerating. Completely unaware, I thought it was a hospital training session!)
The push part was 2 hours. My wife was stunning to me. She was literally breathtaking to watch. She never gave in, she never complained, she tried her little heart out. And she NEVER did anything resembling the stereotypical ‘men don’t understand’ approach that the media sells. She relied on me, and I (and our son) relied on her. It was perfect balance.
Another thing occurred: our relationship went to this “other level.” See, we had never really teamed up to do anything this complex. Sure, she helps when I cook, she runs my merch booth when I play live, we share our house responsibilities and we are incredibly open on the communication front, but we’ve never did so much as a potato sack race where it demanded our energies in such a focused and physical manner (and she’s NOT one for sports).
But we had it down pat. I quickly figured out how to read the heart monitors, and I could see when her next contraction was coming. So, I coached her through the entire cycle. I bear hugged her on the low end (the rest part) because she shivered from the adrenaline. It was her, the doc, the RN (named Sparky!!!), and me. That’s it. And with that and the picturesque view of the Hollywood hills, the sun rose just moments before the son.
Just like that: Henry said hi.
We did it, right?! Well, yes, except of course for everything else that follows.
But I want to catch you up. Therefore, this article is not about everything that follows. Instead, it’s a drop bin of everything that I emphatically want to tell you that I think we did right. If any soon-to-be-new Dad reads this and get ONE piece of advice from this article then my obligations contained within this article shall forever be fulfilled.
Obviously, the standard disclaimer: this is our story. Yours might be more poignant or less, more problematic or less, more difficult or less. Take the following as you like; if nothing else, enjoy the anecdotes. This worked for us, and hopefully on some level, maybe it’ll inspire you when you’re in the that crazy ol’ predicament of being a soon to be parent.
Youth, Wasted on the Young
“How old are you? how old are you?”
Us? We used age & our “Oscar Wilde” experience to our advantage (look it up). We may not be spring chickens, but who said that was a bad thing? Not us. We tried our best to remain calm during every storm that came our way and used our experience to guide us when we were clueless. Amazing what happens when you assume things will be ok….
They usually are.
Seeing the Future
Take that assumption a step further and move to “imagining.” I once read this article about visual simulation; athletes do this. I do it when I play tennis, hell, even when I play shows. You imagine where the ball is going, or the high jumper imagines the run up to the bar. Literally; watch their heads and eyes visualize the path they take.
And this is what we did. We imagined our actions, our goals, through the whole process, and it paid off in spades. I don’t even know what that means, but I hear it’s pretty awesome.
–Make casual to-do lists. Even the mundane, jot em down. Cause you never know.–
The nursery
I can’t stress this enough. My wife giggled when I designed, painted and put together the nursery a full 4 months before the kid was born. 3 months later she was PRAISING the decision. Stuff gets much harder the less mobile she becomes. My goal was to literally have the last two months be a “twiddle our thumbs” feeling. We literally had nothing to do but wait for the deed to go down. It made all the difference, stress-wise, in that, well there really wasn’t any. Plus, you never know the unforseen; this helps in the event of problematic situations, too.
Friendly Advice
Use your friends’ advice (yea, including me) as a stock report: only use what you want to use. Don’t worry if it makes no sense to you. Just discard the advice. Kindly, of course.
Man up
This is the time to grow up, man. I mean it. And what a better way to do it than on your own terms? Start picking up the slack, for slack will definitely happen. In our house, our common rule is if you want my delicious cooking, well I don’t want to do the dishes. That time honored axion became difficult by about the sixth month. So, I just started doing more of the dishes. As much as I could. Dude, it ain’t simply brownie points. These actions are worth their weight in gold. Plus, by taking on the responsibility yourself (aka without being asked), then you own it, credit and all.
And let me tell you something: from my experience, women LOVE it when you just do stuff on your own…and they remember. Are you paying attention now?!!!! This means “quid pro blow.” I will explain no more on this subject. If you haven’t figured it out, you are beyond help.
Work
Take as much time off as you possibly can. I took a month off in total. Yea, it clobbered my vacation/sick days, but what else did I have planned? I spoke to my HR and boss FIVE months before he was born. I laid the seeds. They saw how enthusiastic and excited I was to become a new Dad. This too paid off really well, because there came a time where I needed more. I just felt uncomfortable leaving the two of them alone so soon. And my job ok’d it. I came back happy, not resentful.
Products
I’ll keep this limited to products we loved…
First, since I’m mostly described the time leading up to the fateful day, books:
- What to Expect When You’re Expecting &
- What to Expect the First Year
- Happiest Baby on the Block (you will be the Swaddling King)
We had more books than these, but trust me, just about anything/everything you’ll ever need to know is in these books. They will be your bible. They’re the only ones with the 100% Chance stamp of approval hahaha. Don’t thank me. Thank everyone who recommended them to me. I’m just passing it along, you swaddling king, you.
- Baby swing. OH MY GOD. It’s a god send in the 1st few months.
- Playard: To be honest, we began by using this as his actual crib. First 8 months (our place is small). Now we use it as his nap and play area. They’re awesome. Plus, you’ll be able to store things in it too. Caveat: the changing table attachment is completely useless. COMPLETELY.
- Swaddling blankets. Large ones.
- Breast pumps. (they neglect to tell you babies sometimes don’t latch!)
- Bottle warmers (takes the brain out of the equation).
- Pampers (I don’t know; they’re just softer, and seem to work a little better. Don’t bother with the over night ones; we noticed not a whit of difference.)
- Wipe warmer: had some friends with ambivalent feelings on these but we dug em.
- Sleep Sacks. Since there are blankets for the first year, these will come in handy when your kid stops being swaddled.
- Diaper Dekor: Think of this way: either walk to your outside garbage pails every 2 hours, or put them in this thing. Genius.
Things to know that they never tell you
Here is the single biggest thing they never told us and will surprise you (because it’s good news):
The first two weeks are a piece of cake. I’m not kidding. And yes, I’m speaking relatively. Sure you still have to wake up and you still have to change diapers every 2-4 hours. But they do almost nothing, except: nurse, sleep, & poop. THAT’S IT.
If you wanted to take time off work and you’re trying to figure out how to maximize your time because you’re limited, it almost makes more sense as a Dad to START your time off during week 3.
Because then………. it gets crazy.
But you’ll figure it out. All of this. That’s the coolest thing: all the self-doubt and confusion that you dreaded leading up to that first minute of life, literally evaporate once they come out. I’m not talking magic and mystery here. I’m not talking deep spirituality or some kind of “one with the earth” miracle that people like to spout.
I’m just saying you discover you had everything you ever needed, buried somewhere deep inside you. All along. It was just waiting til it was time. And now that you’re a Dad, you’ll be struck by the acknowledgement of this beautiful, beautiful feeling:
“Wow…. I can do this!”
Next article? A “Chance cooks” recipe.
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