Yelling – Is It Needed?

In my travels around the web yesterday, I noticed some people talking about article in the NY Times called For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking by Hilary Stout.

parentyell

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about and was curious to get some other parents opinions on.

I’ve been known to raise my voice to the kids. It is weird because I don’t have a temper for the most part and usually if I get in a heated discussion or argument with someone I go ice cold and direct. But, when it comes to the kids they stress me out to the point where I’d just snap and the only way to get through to them would be to yell. I always feel bad about it and depending on the reasons for it I usually end up apologizing after the fact for raising my voice or yelling and having a regular conversation about what they did wrong or whatever it was that set me off.

Of course this goes against everything we have taught them about how any discussion can be had with a leveled voice. We try to always leave attitude at the door and have regular conversations no matter what it is. But, we both break that from time to time as this morning quickly reminded me.

Several months back (maybe even longer now) I was talking with my sisters and one of them made a remark about how they never remember our Dad ever raising his voice at us. I keep thinking about that every time I do raise my voice and the weird thing is that I don’t remember him ever doing it. When he reads this I’m curious what his memories will be.

I grew up in a household where I knew that if I stepped out of line I’d be in trouble. That was crystal clear and has kept me on a pretty straight path my whole life. Yet, my parents were laid back and didn’t raise their voices. How did that work? In the times where I was really getting on their nerves or pushing all the wrong buttons how was it that they kept it level and didn’t yell. Self control is a great thing, but it only goes so far right?

I don’t have the answers. I’ve never claimed to, but this is a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about and the NY Times piece really got me thinking about it and I wanted to know what other parents thought about this.

Do you yell at your kids? Do you feel bad after?

My answer is certainly yes to both, but I want to hear your stories.

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Tags: Critical Thinking, Discipline, New York Times, raised voices, screamer, yelling

C.C. Chapman is a father of two (a boy and a girl) who loves the outdoors, creating media and playing with technology. When not on the computer he can most likely be found cooking or taking photos. He is also the co-founder of The Advance Guard and a busy public speaker.

Rick Cheslo

There are some very good points here, and elements of several comments reflect my style. Prolonged yelling dosen't get it done, and as C.C.'s Dad says, sometimes it is necessary to just raise the volume a little to get their attention.

I too have a Dad voice (as my Dad did). I use it when necessary, but less often then earlier years. Like David above it usually happens at the end of being worn down over time and hearing a comment unbecoming a respectful child. At that point the voice kicks in and order is restored. I have apologized a few times for yelling, but only if I felt that my yelling was beyond the level required.

I believe that parenting is like fishing in reverse. When you begin you have them in the boat, then gradually over time you let them in the water slowly letting out line as they grow. Once in awhile you need to yank the line or reel them back a bit, but when it is all over they will be off the hook swimming in the sea on their own.

I am a first time visitor here. Very cool site. I am a father of two. My daughter is 11 and my son is six. Cheers to all.

BuckDaddy

I have a "Dad voice." It is just a little more stern and deeper. That is not to say when I lose my patience that I don't yell. I try to use the "Dad voice." It makes me feel better to read your dad's side of the story and that you don't remember it. Gives me hope. Maybe if I cut out any yelling now she won't remember it.

John Harvey

Sometimes it seems that yelling is the only thing that penetrates. However, when I notice a pattern of yelling, I realize that I've let the situation go to far. I should have intercepted the behavior or situation before getting to this point. It's easier to go to the stairs and call the boys for a reminder about the rules than wait and hear the noise get louder and louder and then hear the fan fall from the ceiling for... Yeah, should have intercepted. If you're yelling, you didn't stop the situation soon enough.

David Jacobs

I have gotten much better but I will admit to exploding a few times. I think when I got it under control was after a time when I was so angry and loud I literally scared my daughter. She went to my wife and said she was afraid of me. Now that put me in a whole different place. My daughter and I, we are both passionate people and can get going at each other sometimes. After that night, we talked about it and made a deal that one of us would call the other person out if it started getting out of hand. Since then, we've had our fights and issues, but we've never gone over the deep end again. It was also very important for me to reminder her that no matter how angry or upset I may be about a particular situation, nothing and I mean nothing could ever lessen the amount that I love her.

CC's Dad

CC(Charlie in my book) and his sisters have a bad memory.

If my memory serves me correctly, most of the yelling was done when they were little. Just to get a pre-schooler's attention when they are going full steam ahead, requires a little more then normal volume. They, like the dogs mentioned, aren't really interested in being reasoned with. You raise your voice to let them know you mean business and then give them the ultimatum. Prolonged yelling doesn't get ANYONE ANYWHERE.

By the time kids reach school and have been exposed to other adults that mean business, they know by body language and facial expressions, when it's time to stop and listen. Whether they do or not is another whole part of child rearing.

Charlie got yelled at and figured it out. He passed this information unknowingly onto his sister while they were both young. If you listen to both of them, their baby sister has been spoiled since birth.

tam

My mother was the screamer. I never listened to her, which would set her off even more. She'd scream until she went hoarse and I'd have several days of peace and quiet. Which was pretty much why I let her scream at me.

My father, on the other hand, had this one look and when it was paired with a very cold "I'm so disappointed in you" it was more than enough to get me back in line. It got to the point where he didn't even have to say anything. Just that look could stop me dead in my tracks and change course. I don't remember him ever raising his voice or anything.

We don't have kids, but I know I will yell at the dogs from time to time. My friend's a dog whisperer type and he's pointed out that if you're quiet, they have to keep the noise down to hear you. They almost always shut up, especially when we were training them with the word "cookie". It's hard to curb the scream reflex, but we're getting better at it every day. If dogs could reason - in a human sense - I'm sure we'd apologize to them. I always feel like crap when I lose my temper with them. They may be wicked smart, but at the end of the day, they're still dogs doing what dogs do.

Trevor Twining

I've been paying attention to this recently because I've been worried that I'm starting to develop a pattern of yelling.

There's a difference though between yelling and just raising your voice. You can raise your voice to get over the roar of fighting kids and still project a calm demeanor, especially when you lower your volume once you have their attention.

I have been yelling a bit more lately though, and I think it's because of the same things you've mentioned here; stress building up, and emotions getting the better of us temporarily. I've noticed that my kids don't listen when I yell, and then everyone just ends up getting stressed without the underlying cause getting addressed.

When I'm able to catch myself, I just talk to them about what happened. I let them know I realize I've gotten out of hand, and then I show them what I do to regain my composure. I think this teaches them important coping skills as well so that they can regain control of their emotions even if they have gone temporarily off-kilter. Then we continue the conversation in a calm manner and everyone starts to feel better.

I think the important things so far in this thread are acknowledging when you've lost your temper and yelling, showing how you can recover from that, addressing the real problem in a calm manner, and reminding your kids about the unconditional love you have for them.

Great post, and thanks for raising the topic.

David Allen

Wow, deep subject here.

First of all, thanks for being bold enough to open up a frank discussion about this subject. It's not an easy one to really talk about honestly, but it is something that I think all parents, at least all parents who care, struggle with.

I do my very best to never yell. When I do raise my voice, it is typically not the result of a single event, but of a long day of not being heard. If my children are constantly being onery all day long, continually refusing to do as I ask, it wears on me. If I see it wearing on my wife as well, that just adds to it.

The best things happen when one of us is at the end of our rope and the other is able to step in and handle the situation in a calm manner, but sometimes we've just both had enough, and we yell. I don't like it, and I always feel badly after it, and like you, I find myself appologizing for it.

See, I'm a pretty laid back guy, but I will be listened to. I'm the dad. She's the mom. And we do actually know what's best for our kids.

One thing I have found tha works really well much of the time (not every time, mind you), is to get very very quiet. When they can't hear what I'm saying, but they know I'm talking because I'm looking at them and they see my lips moving, they in turn get quiet so they can hear me. Because I am talking so quietly, they actually have to concentrate in order to hear what I have to say to them. It's just one more tool in the box that I can use to communicate with my children.

Above all, I just love my children unconditionally. There is nothing they can ever do to fall from that. I know that they will make me angry, they will hurt me, they will dissappoint me, but nothing they ever do will cause me not to love them and give them the best that I can.

This unconditional love also goes for my wife.

Steve Wright

Sometimes. And I always feel like shit after the fact. I'm not much of a new ager, but I organized an event and got Deepak Copra to speak at it a few years back. I spoke with him for a few minutes prior to him going-on and asked him what he thought about yelling/reprimanding etc. He gave me a copy of Seven Spiritual Laws For Parents. I didn't read it until a year later but it helped frame child rearing in a different light for me. Not 100% sure how as I took it lightly the entire way through. But my oldest daughter told me the other day that 'all of her friends liked coming to our house cause I yell less than their parents do' If you told me 10 years ago that compliment would mean as much to me as it did, I would have laughed. Not sure how much 7 Laws had to do with that, but I refer back to it a lot.

Thanks for bringing this up.

steve.

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Yelling – Is It Needed?