The Matter of Life and Death

Jack and the Puppies

Jack and the Puppies

Earlier this year, my brother and his wife suffered a terrible loss in their family. Their dachshund, who was a sweet “old girl” of 14 years had reached an age where she was really feeling the affects of her old age. Sadly, they had to put her down and it was a painful loss, especially for my brother who had loved her since she was a puppy.

Here’s what really concerned my wife and I upon this news: how would we explain this to our oldest son, Jack? Even though we all know it’s a part of life, we had been fortunate to sidestep the death issue up to this point. But here we were, suddenly thrust into a position where we might have to explain what happened to one of the sweet little doggies that lived next door.

My wife and I considered not talking about the issue, perhaps lying about her whereabouts, and maybe, just maybe, we would introduce the “D” word and see what happens. Luckily, life sort of figured things out for us. The day before she was put down, we all went over to see her and brought Jack with us. We let him know that she was very sick and he probably wouldn’t see her again. At the age of three, Jack’s attention is constantly pulled in many different directions, but he did take a few moments to pet her gently, calling her a sweet “old girl” before we left. And beyond that, we would address any questions if they came up; they have not.

A few weeks ago, my wife Kerry’s uncle called to tell us that his wife had very suddenly passed away. Kerry flew up to Massachusetts for a few days, but explained to Jack before she left that her aunt was “very sick” and she was going up because her uncle was “very sad.” And just last week, we heard the news that another family member back up North was “not looking good,” and we’re already wondering when we may get that call.

Presenting situations in terms that a toddler can understand is certainly not something new; it seems like we have to “explain” why eating dinner and going to bed at night are necessary. But honesty is another concept we also try to instill in our kids. We believe that, while the world may sometimes be a scary place, you can demystify some of that harshness with truth. There is a time and place for matters such as death – not to mention pregnancy, divorce, jail, and other more “complex” subjects – but it’s helpful to peel back those layers a little at a time.

We know there will be a point where Jack will ask that question we all do: “Am I going to die?” And while it may pain me to shatter some of that sweet innocence, I think the answer Kerry’s dad gave her at the age of 6 is a very fair, honest response: “Not for a very looooooooong time.” And, like all of us, Jack will have to figure out what that answer means to him. I think we’re all still trying to figure that one out.

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Dan is a life-long Massachusetts native who recently moved to Florida with his wife and two little boys. He teaches web design, produces his own parenting podcast, Baby Time, and remains a fan of the Red Sox.
  • http://www.facebook.com/jeffrey.sass Jeffrey Sass

    Dan,

    Nice post, and your son is clearly in great hands with the approach you and your wife are taking. The loss of a pet is always a sad occasion, but just as pet ownership is many kids’ first experience with the responsibility of caring for another “living” thing, it is also often their first experience with the loss of life. It is a necessary part of growing up, and a necessary part of our parenting to ease them through the acceptance of death as best we can. We’ve had LOTS of pets, and my kids sadly experienced many pet losses before they had to encounter the passing of a close family member. I think they had a better understanding and maturity about the situation because of it. Thanks for sharing (and condolences to your wife and her uncle).

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeffrey.sass Jeffrey Sass

    Dan,

    Nice post, and your son is clearly in great hands with the approach you and your wife are taking. The loss of a pet is always a sad occasion, but just as pet ownership is many kids’ first experience with the responsibility of caring for another “living” thing, it is also often their first experience with the loss of life. It is a necessary part of growing up, and a necessary part of our parenting to ease them through the acceptance of death as best we can. We’ve had LOTS of pets, and my kids sadly experienced many pet losses before they had to encounter the passing of a close family member. I think they had a better understanding and maturity about the situation because of it. Thanks for sharing (and condolences to your wife and her uncle).

  • http://www.chipgriffin.com/ Chip Griffin

    It definitely can be a challenge. Our eldest son (now 8) has been concerned about death and dying from a very early age. But it really hit home and bothered him a couple of years ago when a friend of ours died unexpectedly. He was then 6 and had trouble sleeping for several days afterward, probably exacerbated by the fact that my wife and I had to fly to Hawaii for the funeral. It was the first time someone he really knew had died and it hit him pretty hard.

    We were pretty honest with him, but mostly let him adjust to it in his own way. We answered whatever questions he had and tried to be reassuring while still acknowledging the tragedy of it.

    He has been good at differentiating truly tragic deaths (like that one) and others that are more understandable. For instance, when my grandfather died at age 100 last year, he was upset, but realized without being told that it was a much different situation. While my grandfather had been in OK health for someone at the century mark, my son also understood that you’re lucky to live to that age.

    As for the “not for a very long time” response, that’s pretty much what we say, too. The take it slow approach, when feasible, seems like a good one.

  • http://www.chipgriffin.com/ Chip Griffin

    It definitely can be a challenge. Our eldest son (now 8) has been concerned about death and dying from a very early age. But it really hit home and bothered him a couple of years ago when a friend of ours died unexpectedly. He was then 6 and had trouble sleeping for several days afterward, probably exacerbated by the fact that my wife and I had to fly to Hawaii for the funeral. It was the first time someone he really knew had died and it hit him pretty hard.

    We were pretty honest with him, but mostly let him adjust to it in his own way. We answered whatever questions he had and tried to be reassuring while still acknowledging the tragedy of it.

    He has been good at differentiating truly tragic deaths (like that one) and others that are more understandable. For instance, when my grandfather died at age 100 last year, he was upset, but realized without being told that it was a much different situation. While my grandfather had been in OK health for someone at the century mark, my son also understood that you’re lucky to live to that age.

    As for the “not for a very long time” response, that’s pretty much what we say, too. The take it slow approach, when feasible, seems like a good one.

  • http://www.chipgriffin.com Chip Griffin

    It definitely can be a challenge. Our eldest son (now 8) has been concerned about death and dying from a very early age. But it really hit home and bothered him a couple of years ago when a friend of ours died unexpectedly. He was then 6 and had trouble sleeping for several days afterward, probably exacerbated by the fact that my wife and I had to fly to Hawaii for the funeral. It was the first time someone he really knew had died and it hit him pretty hard.

    We were pretty honest with him, but mostly let him adjust to it in his own way. We answered whatever questions he had and tried to be reassuring while still acknowledging the tragedy of it.

    He has been good at differentiating truly tragic deaths (like that one) and others that are more understandable. For instance, when my grandfather died at age 100 last year, he was upset, but realized without being told that it was a much different situation. While my grandfather had been in OK health for someone at the century mark, my son also understood that you’re lucky to live to that age.

    As for the “not for a very long time” response, that’s pretty much what we say, too. The take it slow approach, when feasible, seems like a good one.

  • http://mostransky.com/ mikemost

    My oldest son was four at the time of my Grandmother’s passing. This was his first experience to a death in the family. My middle child was only two and the youngest wasn’t born yet so it was really only the one that I had to prepare for. It was a very very difficult day at the wake and funeral. He saw his parents cry, his Aunt’s and Uncle’s cry and most upsetting to him was seeing his own Grandmother cry, who had now lost her mother. He put a smile on everyone’s face when he came up to the casket with me to say goodbye when he placed a wildflower he found outside in the coffin with her. He looked at me and said “Nana is sleeping” I said yes and she was now with God and he smiled and added “and with angels too”. That’s from a kid that doesn’t go to Church or live in a house with any practiced religion. Now that he is six and my middle boy is four, the topic comes up but thankfully not about their own mortality yet, but thanks for today’s post because that is something my wife and I should discuss how to handle because children have enough fears and concerns just with “the dark” or “green beans”.

  • http://mostransky.com/ mikemost

    My oldest son was four at the time of my Grandmother’s passing. This was his first experience to a death in the family. My middle child was only two and the youngest wasn’t born yet so it was really only the one that I had to prepare for. It was a very very difficult day at the wake and funeral. He saw his parents cry, his Aunt’s and Uncle’s cry and most upsetting to him was seeing his own Grandmother cry, who had now lost her mother. He put a smile on everyone’s face when he came up to the casket with me to say goodbye when he placed a wildflower he found outside in the coffin with her. He looked at me and said “Nana is sleeping” I said yes and she was now with God and he smiled and added “and with angels too”. That’s from a kid that doesn’t go to Church or live in a house with any practiced religion. Now that he is six and my middle boy is four, the topic comes up but thankfully not about their own mortality yet, but thanks for today’s post because that is something my wife and I should discuss how to handle because children have enough fears and concerns just with “the dark” or “green beans”.

  • http://mostransky.com mikemost

    My oldest son was four at the time of my Grandmother’s passing. This was his first experience to a death in the family. My middle child was only two and the youngest wasn’t born yet so it was really only the one that I had to prepare for. It was a very very difficult day at the wake and funeral. He saw his parents cry, his Aunt’s and Uncle’s cry and most upsetting to him was seeing his own Grandmother cry, who had now lost her mother. He put a smile on everyone’s face when he came up to the casket with me to say goodbye when he placed a wildflower he found outside in the coffin with her. He looked at me and said “Nana is sleeping” I said yes and she was now with God and he smiled and added “and with angels too”. That’s from a kid that doesn’t go to Church or live in a house with any practiced religion. Now that he is six and my middle boy is four, the topic comes up but thankfully not about their own mortality yet, but thanks for today’s post because that is something my wife and I should discuss how to handle because children have enough fears and concerns just with “the dark” or “green beans”.

  • http://www.dangorgone.com/ Dan

    Appreciate your posts as well, guys, many thanks. One thing I can add is this: today’s was Jack’s first day back at school (a half-day pre-K program) and his teachers remarked how much more mature (and taller) he seemed after a summer off. Little comments like that certainly make me feel better as a parent, and we know he’ll be able to deal with anything life throws at him. :)

  • http://www.dangorgone.com Dan

    Appreciate your posts as well, guys, many thanks. One thing I can add is this: today’s was Jack’s first day back at school (a half-day pre-K program) and his teachers remarked how much more mature (and taller) he seemed after a summer off. Little comments like that certainly make me feel better as a parent, and we know he’ll be able to deal with anything life throws at him. :)

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