I remember my Dad telling me his version of this. I was a teenager and he told me that he bartered for “this stereo you’re listening to”. It was a retail store and that didn’t seem to be done back then. A sticker price IS the price. But in this short lesson I realized the truth of this post.

I have rigidly held onto her rights to IT access and have encouraged her to take on great goals and have done my best to help her achieve them. Lately though, a sense of ingratitude and taking others (respect, assets, good nature) for granted has begun to poke through. Now the time has come where I have to take some action to cause reflection. In the ensuing chaos that I anticipate, I hope we can open a conversation that we can both grow from and to see that what John Donne meant when he wrote, “no man is an island”.

I hope I can find a way within myself to find whatever it is in me that is bringing this out of her so that together we can not only maintain the spirit to fight for our dreams but to do so with others and not at the expense of them. In changing myself, my prayer is that she will begin to prune her own negative tendencies to develop the great and limitless garden of her life, in harmony with herself and others and appreciative of the incredible opportunity that we have to live at this time.

Had I not had the courage (?) to be a gatejumper, I probably would have kept my head down and struggled with a single focus, whether I was good at it or not, or whether I liked it or not. And what I hope to share with my kids – and I’ve been writing to them in journals I purchased for each when they were born – is that life will throw you curves, and you have to be able to roll with it.

Show them how to overcome hurdles and become what you want to be by doing the same with your own life.

You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.” (from movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”)

Very well put, C.C.! I do believe it’s essential that parents teach their kids they can achieve whatever they want when they combine passion with hard work.

They are definitely going to encounter obstacles (including people) along the way that will try to bring them down, so it’s important they learn how to keep going after their dreams, even if some people say it’s unlikely to happen.

At the first week of January this year (2009), I got back to Brazil after proposing to my (then) fiancée over New Year’s, with only one objective in mind: get transferred to US until July. Many people told me that it would be impossible with the current economic crisis, that we had just recently been acquired and everything was uncertain, etc, etc. I kept pushing forward, pursuing my objective… and what was the end result? Just 3 months later I was landing here in Boston, with the position I wanted.

So, everything is indeed possible, and the best way to prepare our children to life is to help them acquire this frame of mind as well. At least that’s how I plan to raise my children, and I can’t wait to see how that goes.

Once again, great post.

Best,
Leo
P.s.: On the “I don’t hand my kids anything on a silver platter” topic, you should definitely check out the book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” (http://www.amazon.com/Rich-Dad-Poor-Money-That-Middle/dp/0446677450/). It’s one of the best I’ve ever read.

I do and I don’t understand it.

I limited myself for a long time. But now on the other side of that coin after the lessons of the last 3 1/2 years, I finally feel free of that idea and can’t understand why I thought it was a good idea in the first place.

My friend Whit always says “no one will give you permission and no one has to”. It takes a significant mind shift to learn that it’s about your own perception of yourself. I had a poor perception because of my background. You have a significantly different one because of your experiences.

At some point when one reaches adulthood there’s a choice to make that no one can hold you back. The only person that can give us permission is ourselves. We just have to get out of our own way, realize what we want won’t happen overnight and work extremely hard to get where we want to go.

Your kids are really lucky that you learned that lesson and are passing it on to them.

I had never read such a succinct description of the parenting style with which *I* was raised, but it instantly codified my approach with my son.

By the way, I tried out for track in High School and demonstrated that you can also knock down all the hurdles placed in your path

I have a lot to say on this – percolating a companion post to yours and a reply to some other posts stemming from that discussion. I think @rawrmeans143 coined the best phrase in her blog post right after: “Self Hate Isn’t Sexy”. It inspired us to propose a late panel for SXSW on that topic of gender/race in tech and invite several of the people from the PCB4 circle to participate. Hop on board the panel also if we can get it voted in when voting opens 8/17

@geechee_girl

This really speaks to a need for discernment, doesn’t it? Thinking out loud so that your kids can see you weighing the source/credibility of the “you can’t” messages. Showing them the ways in which you’ve pushed through or jumped over.

I’ve been thinking along similar lines, but in terms of training wheels.

Most kids find training wheels helpful, at least for a while. But everyone knows that in an ideal situation, the goal is to get beyond them.

The question I spend a lot of time thinking about has to do with the role of schools in all of this. At some schools, every year brings new (and real) opportunities, freedoms, and accomplishments. At others schools, starting a new school year simply means trading up to a new set of training wheels.

What kind of school year will your kid(s) have, do you think?

As a mom now of a bright, ambitious, and adventurous two year old, I feel like part of my parenting DUTY is to be sure that I never, ever let *my* preconceived notions get in her way. Part of the joy in raising a child is the sense of infinite possibility. And I know that by giving her an open mind to what *might* be, she’ll learn that more of it is within her grasp than she might have ever imagined.

Thanks for the inspiring post.

Oh, and look out world.

I find it interesting that the one negative I’ve heard a couple of times is around the term gatejumper and I’m convinced it must be a city mouse vs. country mouse term because I never even thought about it in reference to subways.

To me it was a reference to being in the middle of a big field in the country and someone has put up a fence with a gate. This is usually to keep the livestock in and as a way to let people/trucks through.

But, in life sometimes these fences and gates are put up too. I firmly believe that whenever possible you should try to open the gate first. Most will open and let you through. They are there for a reason but it isn’t to keep you from getting where you want to go. But, sometimes they are in your way and it is quicker to just jump over them and push forward.

To me the term means not letting obstacles get in your way. Theives and cheats are not how I’m using the term or anything I’d ever teach my kids. I’d rather them try their hardest and get an F then cheat and get an A on a test. I’ve drilled that into their heads.

The desire and belief that we can overcome personal obstacles, be they real or perceived, is a great trait to nurture in our children. I just don’t think they need to think of it as “gatejumping”. (I realize it’s Brogan’s term, not yours. Actually, I don’t think it’s a good fit the way he applies it either) Some gates are necessary and important, like the ones we put up in front of things we consider too dangerous, like a fence around an unattended swimming pool for instance, or the fence around an unattended power station.

“Gatejumpers” is not what I’d teach my kids to be.

But on the other hand, there’s a “for boys only” activity box and she dismissed it, saying she wasn’t allowed to look at it. I had to explain to her that it was crap and she could play with anything she liked.

About the only thing I’ve hinted that I don’t want her doing is being a cheerleader- I told her I want people cheering *for* her, not the other way around. But if she wants to cheer, then I suppose I won’t fight it.

I ultimately want to tell her that she can do anything. But I don’t want it to be just a sound byte. My parents told me I could do anything but I didn’t believe them, and now I think it’s because I didn’t see THEM doing “anything.” I have to keep doing things to jump the gate myself in order to show her that being awesome goes beyond Mr. Rogers telling her she’s unique and special–just like everyone else.

Nothing bad about Mr. Rogers, but I didn’t really believe him, either.

Honestly, I do find in day-to-day life it’s so difficult to keep top of mind. I’m a total type A which lends itself well to creating structure to balance a toddler, running a software business (with the hubs), and running a household. However, this does sometimes lead to me feeling like I’m micro-managing life and my son.

Something to work on…

Great post..Thanks CC!

My kids are only 2 and 3, and my wife and I already make our kids work hard (whether its playing nicely with other kids or learning new concepts) to get a reward.

It’s not easy being 13, but I am going to have him read this…we talk about this a lot, but maybe he will see it differently from another adult!!

I am always pushing my daughters to work hard and never give up. I am trying to instill those “hard work” values in them that I grew up with. At the same time, I try to teach them that no one should ever hold them back in expressing themselves.

A good example of that was last Christmas. We went to spend the holidays with family and my mother-in-law bought each of them a disposable camera to take photos of their vacation. While we were opening presents my seven year old started taking pictures of bright, colorful ribbon laying on light beige carpet.

My mother-in-law told her to stop wasting her film until I stepped in and told her to let her take photos of what she wanted. To my seven year old daughter, that photo wasn’t a waste of film, it was something she found visually interesting and appealed to her artistic side.

I find the same challenges with a 3 & 4 year old. My first reaction is always “you cant do that” (in fear for their safety or getting in trouble), but the inner child in me wants to do it too… to test the limits and learn reaction.

Funny how we see things different as a father. Wish I had the eyes and desires of my kids.

Christian

We can’t live our children’s lives, they need to live their own.

Remember when we tried to jump the gate and bruised our knees or grazed our shins? Next time we jumped higher.

In today’s take now, pay back later world, too many give up if they don’t succeed first time. This will not help our children go.

Praise to the Gatejumpers!

When Laurel was very young toddler, we were at a local park and there was this balance beam a couple of feet off the ground, suspended by steel cords. Looked like the sort of thing where if a kid slipped off the beam and got caught on a cord there would be serious injury. The thing terrified me. Anyhow, Laurel gingerly crossed the beam with me saying, “careful careful careful!” with a hand held out the whole time to catch her. She made it across and 2 seconds later a son (about the same age) and his dad come along and the dad says “go for it! run across as fast as you can!!!” The kid did, and looked full of glee and pride.

I still think that beam is treacherous but that moment really made me pause. From then on I decided to really work on not overparenting… to let Laurel be much more free — yes, I supervise, but I don’t tamp down on her ideas or things she wants to try. If she gets scraped or bruised here and there it will be a lesson learned. I think that metaphor will translate well down the road.

It’s so much easier to parent that way and I think it also grows more confident, adventurous kids. -Christine

Thanks,
Social Steve

Totally agree with the article. My “kids” are a bit older than for each of the founders of the website, but the lessons I’ve learned continue to teach me every day.

My younger daughter, Liz, is now an engaged young woman and looking ahead to her wedding. Some of the choices she has made don’t align with what I would do in her situation, but I have always felt that I can’t raise my children to be independent (and, clearly, interdependent) and then tell them what to do when you don’t agree with everything they are thinking about.

And now she wants to buy a house even before all the expense of the wedding. And while this might be tough on her and her fiance, Chris, her thought-process is sound: the market has pushed prices down, the government is offering $8000 to new buyers, etc. And while Mom keeps wanting to say “no, you shouldn’t do that,” I recognize the same spirit I have for “let’s make this happen.”

Thanks for such clear thinking in this article, CC. I look forward to many more.

Thanks for sharing this.

I too was discouraged to go to university by a guidance counsellor and now have a master’s degree.

We need to learn to make our own way but there are also times to quit and times to obey rules. It’s knowing the difference that is important as I see it.