Raising Gatejumpers

I have always hated whenever someone told me “you can’t do that” or “that isn’t how it is done.” I never understood either of those concepts. Sure, there are rules in place to keep people safe and kids out of trouble, but beyond that if I want to do something and no one is going to get hurt by me doing it, I’ve always pushed to make it happen.

Now that I have children of my own, I’m trying to pass this mental approach along to them. It isn’t always fun because they openly challenge me on things and then I find myself in an interesting whirlwind that I know I helped create. But, part of me loves it when they do it and these situations always lead to great discussions and learning experiences for both of us.

Strong EmilyAlong with this, I don’t hand my kids anything on a silver platter. They have to work for it. Just the other day my daughter was complaining to me that she couldn’t accomplish a task correctly and was crying about it. I told her that she first needed to stop crying about it and try again. The only way she was ever going to learn how to do it correctly was to keep trying it until she mastered it. I believe that it is crucial that this be done because otherwise children will never learn that they have to keep pushing forward to be successful.

I recently listened to a conversation and was shocked to hear how held back some people are. Held back by themselves which is a concept I just don’t understand. It is a moment in time that has reminded me that the way I’m raising my children and the way that I hope other parents are raising theirs is the right way.

Parents need to make sure that they are raising children who know that they control their destiny more then anyone else. That there is no dream that is unattainable if you work hard enough at it. Years ago, I was told point blank that there was no way I’d get into Bentley by my guidance councilor and on the day that I got my acceptance letter I slapped it on her desk and walked out. When I first heard the phrase “that isn’t how a marketing agency works” I laughed and started my own agency. I’ve never been able to just sit back and not push forward if I want something bad enough. It just isn’t in my genes.

What I’m getting at is that you need to make sure that your kids realize that the only way to succeed in life is to always work hard, to be strong willed and be the best you can be at whatever it is that you are passionate about. Yes, there are going to be plenty of people standing in your way, telling you no and gates set up  to block them. But, I hope and pray that everything I’m doing with my kids is raising them to be a gatejumper who chases their dreams with every ounce of their soul.

“I can’t do it” is a phrase that is not allowed in my house. My children know that the world is theirs if they want it.

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C.C. Chapman is a father of two (a boy and a girl) who loves the outdoors, creating media and playing with technology. When not on the computer he can most likely be found cooking or taking photos. He is also the co-founder of The Advance Guard and a busy public speaker.
  • Totally with you on this...what I have found most frustrating is the day care and schools do not have the same attitude. So everything I teach at home goes by the way-side...maybe not...I can only hope my teaching is stronger and my daughter overcomes any entitlement attitude.
  • I am with you. I love the term GateJumpers. Especially given the fact that my youngest is going on two years old and is, in fact, a gatejumper.
  • I couldn't agree with you more. Structure needs to be provided to children and intervention perhaps when they are too close to the edge but reinforcement in believing that they can be whatever they want to be is an essential voice that parents need to be providing their children. Have guidelines, don't try and "rule" over them. Sure you would prefer not having that juicebox sprayed all over your keyboard or living room but those should be part of the guidelines. Nice post C.C.
  • I think kids adapt and a huge portion of their personality is genetically hard-wired. I understand what you're saying...to hear myself say "don't touch," "no!," and "because I said so," gave me some pause for the first couple kids. But I think it is wrong to apply our perspective on higher order concepts to the kids. They need gates. They will resist. Don't worry about it; just be there for them and do the best you can. Teach by example in how you live the rest of your life.
  • Well, my boy is only two, so I am a less experienced dad. But at one point about 4 months ago I was astounded at the rate he learns and grows. I pointed this out to my wife, ending with the question, "what if he continues to learn like this, where else will he be able to accomplish?" She answered: "Everything".
    This rings so true still, so I wholeheartedly agree. If he wants to climb up something, why keep him if he's safe? If he wants to put on his boots by himself? Go ahead. The learning curve even becomes a hockey stick I think, since the challenges grow faster.
    Sure, he asks for help sometimes. But that's ok, he's two after all...
  • Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem
    Children learn by watching their parents so parents need to role model the values in life they want their children to follow. Different people experience different life events and it is the lessons and attitudes learned and applied that create their reality.

    I too was discouraged to go to university by a guidance counsellor and now have a master's degree.

    We need to learn to make our own way but there are also times to quit and times to obey rules. It's knowing the difference that is important as I see it.
  • Love this. As a dad, I'm in complete agreement. Love doesn't mean handing over the keys to the castle and solving all your kid's problems for them. If anything, I think that has a disabling effect later in life. Learning the value of hard work to solve a problem or surmount a challenge is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids. It's hugely empowering. Plus, it says, "it's not so much about talent, it's about who wants it most." And, that's a tremendous mindset to instill.

    Thanks for sharing this.
  • I would agree with this WHOLE-heartedly! We have a joke in the world of medicine that in the first 2 years of life we are coaching our children to talk and walk and for the rest of their lives we tell them to "sit down and shut up". I agree with the first commenter that schools and daycares are the biggest offenders (I have a lot of teacher friends and family and understand the enormously challenging task they have!), but it can be done differently. If we don't put the correct "chip" in their brains when they start out, someone else will put the robot one in~
  • This post is inspiring for parents, but it's also inspiring for ME to keep pushing for what I want in life. Thank you.
  • You had me at the first sentence but the last one sent a shiver down my spine! "I can't" isn't allowed in my house either. It may be a tough route to go down as a (single) parent but the notion that anything is possible and their future success is well worth it. "I don't know" is also not an acceptable answer. My son and I prefer "Let my find out and I'll let you know." The one answer I will value and accept is "I don't want to" but it has to be extremely well argumented, which again makes a kid make that extra effort not only when he wants something but also when he DOESN'T want something.
    I believe my job as a parent isn't to be loved and my methods approved of but to help my son find his way to becoming a whole, capable individual who is satisfied with himself yet recognizes and strives to fullfil his potential. I'm sure he'll need some help in the future so keep raising those gatejumpers and good luck!
  • Grateful to my new friends from #pcb4 for sharing this website (http://DigitalDads.com) with me.

    Totally agree with the article. My "kids" are a bit older than for each of the founders of the website, but the lessons I've learned continue to teach me every day.

    My younger daughter, Liz, is now an engaged young woman and looking ahead to her wedding. Some of the choices she has made don't align with what I would do in her situation, but I have always felt that I can't raise my children to be independent (and, clearly, interdependent) and then tell them what to do when you don't agree with everything they are thinking about.

    And now she wants to buy a house even before all the expense of the wedding. And while this might be tough on her and her fiance, Chris, her thought-process is sound: the market has pushed prices down, the government is offering $8000 to new buyers, etc. And while Mom keeps wanting to say "no, you shouldn't do that," I recognize the same spirit I have for "let's make this happen."

    Thanks for such clear thinking in this article, CC. I look forward to many more.
  • What you are talking about is what my MOM instilled into me from day 1 and I can tell you, it works :) as a new dad I will also be on this bandwagon :) CCC u will be and are a great DAD!
  • Good words to live by.

    Thanks,
    Social Steve
  • Great post C.C. Very inspiring especially as I consider the lessons I want to teach my 1 year old. There are always going to be people telling them "you can't do it" and it's their attitude and mindset that we foster as parents that will determine whether or not they will succeed.
  • Great post CC! As the father of two young girls in day care, getting them to do this is a daily routine. Empowering them to never stop trying to solve their own "challenges" is something we truly believe in. I'm following now on Twitter for more of your great posts! Best wishes.
  • Thanks for the thoughtful post C.C. -- I agree that parents should support kids in learning and being creative and independent and going for it. At some level I also wonder whether parents' overprotectiveness chips away at self confidence.

    When Laurel was very young toddler, we were at a local park and there was this balance beam a couple of feet off the ground, suspended by steel cords. Looked like the sort of thing where if a kid slipped off the beam and got caught on a cord there would be serious injury. The thing terrified me. Anyhow, Laurel gingerly crossed the beam with me saying, "careful careful careful!" with a hand held out the whole time to catch her. She made it across and 2 seconds later a son (about the same age) and his dad come along and the dad says "go for it! run across as fast as you can!!!" The kid did, and looked full of glee and pride.

    I still think that beam is treacherous but that moment really made me pause. From then on I decided to really work on not overparenting... to let Laurel be much more free -- yes, I supervise, but I don't tamp down on her ideas or things she wants to try. If she gets scraped or bruised here and there it will be a lesson learned. I think that metaphor will translate well down the road.

    It's so much easier to parent that way and I think it also grows more confident, adventurous kids. -Christine
  • In complete agreement.

    We can't live our children's lives, they need to live their own.

    Remember when we tried to jump the gate and bruised our knees or grazed our shins? Next time we jumped higher.

    In today's take now, pay back later world, too many give up if they don't succeed first time. This will not help our children go.

    Praise to the Gatejumpers!
  • Great words of inspiration and wisdom cc.

    I find the same challenges with a 3 & 4 year old. My first reaction is always "you cant do that" (in fear for their safety or getting in trouble), but the inner child in me wants to do it too... to test the limits and learn reaction.

    Funny how we see things different as a father. Wish I had the eyes and desires of my kids.

    Christian
  • Great post C.C., you and I sound alike in our mindsets.

    I am always pushing my daughters to work hard and never give up. I am trying to instill those "hard work" values in them that I grew up with. At the same time, I try to teach them that no one should ever hold them back in expressing themselves.

    A good example of that was last Christmas. We went to spend the holidays with family and my mother-in-law bought each of them a disposable camera to take photos of their vacation. While we were opening presents my seven year old started taking pictures of bright, colorful ribbon laying on light beige carpet.

    My mother-in-law told her to stop wasting her film until I stepped in and told her to let her take photos of what she wanted. To my seven year old daughter, that photo wasn't a waste of film, it was something she found visually interesting and appealed to her artistic side.
  • Not enough people parent like this and their kids and our future could suffer for it. So far,one of the best things I've ever been told about my children is that they "think outside the box". Sure, it's kind of a tired phrase, but the concept is worthy. Don't do things just because that's the way it's always been done. Question, make your own path, work for what you want, and always look for a better way.
  • Ellen Rossano
    Thanks CC!! We are picking up our 13 yro son tomorrow from 2 weeks at overnight camp. It is his second year and had just as hard a time separating this year as he did last year. I was frustrated, because I couldn't get him to see the connection between his success last year and his ability to do it again this year.

    It's not easy being 13, but I am going to have him read this...we talk about this a lot, but maybe he will see it differently from another adult!!
  • Couldn't agree more. What I like most is that you include the part about making your kids work and not handing them anything on a silver platter. This is the only way for them to learn to appreciate the benefits of perseverance and determination and not take life for granted.

    My kids are only 2 and 3, and my wife and I already make our kids work hard (whether its playing nicely with other kids or learning new concepts) to get a reward.
  • Totally agree. Especially when a family already has the entrepreneurial spirit you want to see your kids carry-on what it means to create your own happiness and how it takes a balance of hard work and calculated risk to do so.

    Honestly, I do find in day-to-day life it's so difficult to keep top of mind. I'm a total type A which lends itself well to creating structure to balance a toddler, running a software business (with the hubs), and running a household. However, this does sometimes lead to me feeling like I'm micro-managing life and my son.

    Something to work on...

    Great post..Thanks CC!
  • My kiddo has had others tell her the way things SHOULD be, like the stupid woman at the Barnes and Noble who said, "I didn't know girls played with trains!" But she just calmly responded, "I do."

    But on the other hand, there's a "for boys only" activity box and she dismissed it, saying she wasn't allowed to look at it. I had to explain to her that it was crap and she could play with anything she liked.

    About the only thing I've hinted that I don't want her doing is being a cheerleader- I told her I want people cheering *for* her, not the other way around. But if she wants to cheer, then I suppose I won't fight it.

    I ultimately want to tell her that she can do anything. But I don't want it to be just a sound byte. My parents told me I could do anything but I didn't believe them, and now I think it's because I didn't see THEM doing "anything." I have to keep doing things to jump the gate myself in order to show her that being awesome goes beyond Mr. Rogers telling her she's unique and special--just like everyone else.

    Nothing bad about Mr. Rogers, but I didn't really believe him, either.
  • I totally agree with your concept. However, I'm not so happy with the terminology. To me the term "gatejumper" connotes thievery, or deception. In my life a gatejumper is someone who wants for free, something that others are paying for. They jump over the turnstile in the subway... They sneak in the exit door at the movies... They wait until the lumber yard is closed, and then go over the gate and take what they want. They think, "Why pay for this software when I can just download it from someone?" Not at all something I would teach my children.

    The desire and belief that we can overcome personal obstacles, be they real or perceived, is a great trait to nurture in our children. I just don't think they need to think of it as "gatejumping". (I realize it's Brogan's term, not yours. Actually, I don't think it's a good fit the way he applies it either) Some gates are necessary and important, like the ones we put up in front of things we consider too dangerous, like a fence around an unattended swimming pool for instance, or the fence around an unattended power station.

    "Gatejumpers" is not what I'd teach my kids to be.
  • I'm so glad that so many people have reacted positively to this post.

    I find it interesting that the one negative I've heard a couple of times is around the term gatejumper and I'm convinced it must be a city mouse vs. country mouse term because I never even thought about it in reference to subways.

    To me it was a reference to being in the middle of a big field in the country and someone has put up a fence with a gate. This is usually to keep the livestock in and as a way to let people/trucks through.

    But, in life sometimes these fences and gates are put up too. I firmly believe that whenever possible you should try to open the gate first. Most will open and let you through. They are there for a reason but it isn't to keep you from getting where you want to go. But, sometimes they are in your way and it is quicker to just jump over them and push forward.

    To me the term means not letting obstacles get in your way. Theives and cheats are not how I'm using the term or anything I'd ever teach my kids. I'd rather them try their hardest and get an F then cheat and get an A on a test. I've drilled that into their heads.
  • JennyS
    My parents raised me this way, and as I sit at my desk and read this now my words and thoughts from the past few months are rushing back to me. I'm not sure I'm talented enough to start my own business? I don't network for myself because I'm scared I'm not good enough? I'm having trouble getting out of my own way to make things happen? My parents didn't raise me like this - thanks for the reminder.

    Oh, and look out world.
  • The notion that we impose limitations on our kids about what they might achieve is beyond me. No one told me I couldn't do something. The only thing that's ever in my way is me.

    As a mom now of a bright, ambitious, and adventurous two year old, I feel like part of my parenting DUTY is to be sure that I never, ever let *my* preconceived notions get in her way. Part of the joy in raising a child is the sense of infinite possibility. And I know that by giving her an open mind to what *might* be, she'll learn that more of it is within her grasp than she might have ever imagined.

    Thanks for the inspiring post. :)
  • Great post, C.C.!

    This really speaks to a need for discernment, doesn't it? Thinking out loud so that your kids can see you weighing the source/credibility of the "you can't" messages. Showing them the ways in which you've pushed through or jumped over.

    I've been thinking along similar lines, but in terms of training wheels.

    Most kids find training wheels helpful, at least for a while. But everyone knows that in an ideal situation, the goal is to get beyond them.

    The question I spend a lot of time thinking about has to do with the role of schools in all of this. At some schools, every year brings new (and real) opportunities, freedoms, and accomplishments. At others schools, starting a new school year simply means trading up to a new set of training wheels.

    What kind of school year will your kid(s) have, do you think?
  • CC, I was at that conversation at PCB4, and I agree wholeheartedly. I am hoping the next generation doesn't see honesty, forthrightness, self confidence and a desire to achieve goals as anything to be ashamed of. As someone who has spent a lifetime bucking the status quo, putting it all on the line and finding new ways to go after dreams, it floors me how many people base their worth on what others think, and how they let it hold them back.

    I have a lot to say on this - percolating a companion post to yours and a reply to some other posts stemming from that discussion. I think @rawrmeans143 coined the best phrase in her blog post right after: "Self Hate Isn't Sexy". It inspired us to propose a late panel for SXSW on that topic of gender/race in tech and invite several of the people from the PCB4 circle to participate. Hop on board the panel also if we can get it voted in when voting opens 8/17 :)

    @geechee_girl
  • I think a much better title would be "Raising Hurdlers". A hurdler is someone who must jump over obstacles placed in their path. It's a more perfect analogy. "Gate jumping" is a phrase that already has a meaning, and it's not one that you meant.

    By the way, I tried out for track in High School and demonstrated that you can also knock down all the hurdles placed in your path :-)
  • Erin Brenner
    I really get frustrated when my kids get a defeatist attitude. Sometimes they just need a cheerleader, sometimes a more stern approach. What really helps, though, is encouraging them to be creative, from cutting out planets and asteroids and taping them to their bedroom walls to creating a whole world of superheros and villains (and me be willing to take dictation for books, operate the camera just so, and create detailed costumes). They're learning to take that creative energy and attitude to anything life throws at them, whether it's a gatekeeper or something else.
  • I'm a relatively new parent (one son, 15 months old), but I remember, vividly, this idea I read somewhere: when your child reaches for something beyond his grasp, do you give it to him? Or do you move it within his grasp so he can reach again?

    I had never read such a succinct description of the parenting style with which *I* was raised, but it instantly codified my approach with my son.
  • "Held back by themselves which is a concept I just don’t understand."

    I do and I don't understand it.

    I limited myself for a long time. But now on the other side of that coin after the lessons of the last 3 1/2 years, I finally feel free of that idea and can't understand why I thought it was a good idea in the first place.

    My friend Whit always says "no one will give you permission and no one has to". It takes a significant mind shift to learn that it's about your own perception of yourself. I had a poor perception because of my background. You have a significantly different one because of your experiences.

    At some point when one reaches adulthood there's a choice to make that no one can hold you back. The only person that can give us permission is ourselves. We just have to get out of our own way, realize what we want won't happen overnight and work extremely hard to get where we want to go.

    Your kids are really lucky that you learned that lesson and are passing it on to them.
  • "Don't ever let somebody tell you… You can't do something. Not even me.

    You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period." (from movie "The Pursuit of Happyness")

    Very well put, C.C.! I do believe it's essential that parents teach their kids they can achieve whatever they want when they combine passion with hard work.

    They are definitely going to encounter obstacles (including people) along the way that will try to bring them down, so it's important they learn how to keep going after their dreams, even if some people say it's unlikely to happen.

    At the first week of January this year (2009), I got back to Brazil after proposing to my (then) fiancée over New Year's, with only one objective in mind: get transferred to US until July. Many people told me that it would be impossible with the current economic crisis, that we had just recently been acquired and everything was uncertain, etc, etc. I kept pushing forward, pursuing my objective… and what was the end result? Just 3 months later I was landing here in Boston, with the position I wanted.

    So, everything is indeed possible, and the best way to prepare our children to life is to help them acquire this frame of mind as well. At least that's how I plan to raise my children, and I can't wait to see how that goes. :)

    Once again, great post.

    Best,
    Leo
    P.s.: On the "I don’t hand my kids anything on a silver platter" topic, you should definitely check out the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" (http://www.amazon.com/Rich-Dad-Poor-Money-That-...). It’s one of the best I’ve ever read.
  • An English teacher I had in High School always told us to "Show, Don't Tell" when we were writing. I think the same applies for raising your kids.

    Show them how to overcome hurdles and become what you want to be by doing the same with your own life.
  • go c.c. go! i love, love, love his post. the best lessons we can teach our children are communicated through our own actions. my mom was a single, working mom long before they existed. i got my work ethic from her. i believe my kids have adopted the same work ethic in seeing what i do day in and day out. at 19, 17, and soon-to-be 16, my three oldest have all worked hard at their summer jobs. at times, it hasn't been easy but i can see the self-reliance and resiliency it has instilled in them. at the same time, they have tremendous empathy and compassion for others. can someone find some wood and knock on it...
  • CC, I hope you eventually see this your sea of comments here. Popular place! I haven't 'talked' to you in forever. Still like grilling ribs on the weekend? I love reading personal/passionate posts from folks for obvious reasons. This one was especially touching because we are so much alike and I've been raising my kids the same way. It's working too. My daughter tried out for something for 3 years before she made it. And how sweet it was after instead of accepting defeat, she worked harder another year, then another. I asked if she ever thought of giving up. Nope. "Just trying different ways of auditioning until I get it." My son is a gatejumper, he just doesn't know it yet. He always has the workaround in his head, he just holds on to it a little to tightly or a little too long. We'll get there. My youngest son has no use for conventional thinking what so ever. He's a trail blazer and at just 8 years old other kids follow his lead. I like the term gatejumper. I've always thought of myself as a gate crasher, but jumper is a better, less violent sounding way to put it. I hope things are going well for the Guard group. I left my agency last year to start a gatejumping company. Maybe someday our companies can do some running side by side jumping the hurdles put in front of us. Take care.
  • I'm very lucky that my parents always said they would (and did) support me, no matter what I did. It gave me license to try different things, make mistakes, and keep moving forward. While it didn't always feel like I was moving in a direction that made sense, I look back on things and find that it all makes sense now.

    Had I not had the courage (?) to be a gatejumper, I probably would have kept my head down and struggled with a single focus, whether I was good at it or not, or whether I liked it or not. And what I hope to share with my kids - and I've been writing to them in journals I purchased for each when they were born - is that life will throw you curves, and you have to be able to roll with it.
  • I've read this article on the day I have decided to implement a withdrawal of privileges for one of my daughters. This will include withdrawing internet and IT access, income etc. Its come at the end of a lot of personal thinking and reflection but I think its the right thing to do, not the easy thing to do, as many of you will understand, but the right thing in this situation. In many ways, its going to be just as hard on me to do this.

    I have rigidly held onto her rights to IT access and have encouraged her to take on great goals and have done my best to help her achieve them. Lately though, a sense of ingratitude and taking others (respect, assets, good nature) for granted has begun to poke through. Now the time has come where I have to take some action to cause reflection. In the ensuing chaos that I anticipate, I hope we can open a conversation that we can both grow from and to see that what John Donne meant when he wrote, "no man is an island".

    I hope I can find a way within myself to find whatever it is in me that is bringing this out of her so that together we can not only maintain the spirit to fight for our dreams but to do so with others and not at the expense of them. In changing myself, my prayer is that she will begin to prune her own negative tendencies to develop the great and limitless garden of her life, in harmony with herself and others and appreciative of the incredible opportunity that we have to live at this time.
  • I feel this same way. However, I feel like this lesson is reserved for after they’ve got a hang of the “system”. I think in early years, rules create a sense of stability and provide a process to navigate life. But at some point I think this is a critical lesson to teach my boys.

    I remember my Dad telling me his version of this. I was a teenager and he told me that he bartered for “this stereo you’re listening to”. It was a retail store and that didn’t seem to be done back then. A sticker price IS the price. But in this short lesson I realized the truth of this post.
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