Dealing as Dad in Divorce PT 1: THE CONVERSATION

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One horrible day, you find yourself in a position you never imagined possible—sitting your child down to explain that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. This is a conversation you can never truly be prepared for, and likely, you have put it off for longer than you should have.

As you sit down with your child/children, your heart is beating so hard you can feel your pulse in your hands… hands that refuse to steady. Your adrenaline seems to be rushing harder through your veins than any confrontation you have faced in your lifetime, except THIS time, it not simply a “confrontation”. This time, you are going to change the world for a little person you love more than you thought you were capable.

Not “change” in the heroic, mental cut-away you had always daydreamed.

You are about to take away a piece of your child’s innocence.

You are about to introduce them to some of the darkness in the world.

You are about to try to explain that “love” cannot overcome any obstacle, while simultaneously attempting to instill that your love for them IS unconditional and more powerful than anything else.

You are about to introduce a complex conundrum that your child will attempt to unravel for the rest of their lives.

Now, take a moment and ask yourself why you have put this off, at the expense of personal liberation from a disintegrating relationship… ask yourself why those hands won’t steady.

When we reach the decision, the moment of inevitability, with our spouses that “perhaps we need time away from each other”, which, in many cases, ultimately leads to Divorce, a natural reaction for men is to run the scenario of breaking it to the kids. We’re problem solvers. It is in our nature.

The danger of running “The Conversation Simulation” over and over and over is that the emotional weight and predicted responses to the scenario becomes nearly debilitating and action moves further into the future. In your mind, you are going to hurt your child, which violates everything you instinctively feel and know. The natural response to this is to recoil, to martyr your own emotions—to put the whole damn thing off.

Sometimes, during the “Martyr Phase” we can even convince ourselves that “hey, what the hell—maybe I CAN live like this. Maybe I CAN live in an emotional void. I’m pretty tough. Maybe I can ‘do it for the kids’”.

Ok tough guy, you just felt your eyes welling up at a Disney movie or over a commercial with Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s ukulele medley of “Over the Rainbow” and “What a Wonderful World” or just out of nowhere at work. This is your subconscious bleeding into your everyday life. The reality check is usually close behind. The epiphany that two happy homes far outweigh one sad one is at hand. This is the moment the irony hits…you’ve been thinking about yourself. It is akin to a mourning period after a loved one’s death, when one is, quite understandably, preoccupied with what THEY will miss about the departed.

Now you can plan the best approach to “The Conversation”. You will not feel that a great weight has been lifted, but you will finally be able to proceed with clarity. You now honestly KNOW this move is in everyone’s best interest.

But. Is there REALLY a “best approach”?

Stay tuned for PT 2.

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  1. Dealing as Dad in Divorce PT 2: The Conversation & the Second Hardest Thing You Will Do in Your Life

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Some men are born to Fatherhood while others have Fatherhood thrust upon them. To anyone who has ever met Massachusetts based Art Director and Music Composer/Producer [munk], he is clearly the former. [munk] counts his two children as both motivation and inspiration for his tireless creative energy and entrepreneurial spirit.
  • Wow. I'm fortunate that my parents stayed together but just reading your post made this all feel so real to me that I'm actually shaking a little on the inside here. I hope I never have to go through this.

    As hard is it can be to bear your soul in this way I believe it's truly helpful, educational and inspiration to the rest of us. This kind of honesty is what my wife and I aspire to in our own parenting podcast.

    Thank you.
  • My Mom was divorced three times, so I had a variety of Dads in my life. Only one has been really able to talk about the reasons why they got divorced; the other two Dads have subsequently passed away, so I never got to hear their perspective, but I wish I had.
    Women seem naturally more open about talking about their feelings of divorce in the general culture- it was really amazing for me to read about how you felt about this. Thanks for sharing- it really made me think about divorce from another point of view, rather than that of a child. As a kid, all you know is your world changes completely and feels less safe in some ways. Less certain at its foundations. That's not easy. But for the adults, there's more than a litany of complaints- there's deciding to leave something you've built together- a family, and while it is very likely the best and healthiest thing you can do for everyone involved, it doesn't mean that there isn't a sense of loss, of disappointment, or of failure that's gotta be tough to deal with, especially when you see fear or uncertainty in your child's eyes.

    Thanks again for such a moving piece.
  • Tom
    I can still see the pain in their eyes when we had this talk. Now I have to explain why he can't stay with me when it is time to take him back to his moms. He tells me each week he wants to stay with me but I legally have to take him to her house. So what does he really think? Does he really understand or does he think she controls all?
  • If only it was only the "one" conversation. It's been 4 years and my daughter still wants to know why we can't all live together instead of her and her brother having 2 homes. It wasn't my decision and I hope one day she'll get an answer to that question that she can live with.
  • This has been a subject I have only dreamed about feeling. I have been married 42 years. I can't even imagine what it's like. I raised 2 fine girls that thankfully never had to face something like that. My heart goes out to any guy who has had to face it.

    P-Dub
  • Tony C
    June of 2007 I had a gut feeling my (now) ex-wife was having an affair. I did not confront her until Jan 0f 2008 about a week after I was out of the hospital with a bout of diverticulitis. I happened to be passing by her cell phone when something made me pick it up. Needless to say, I saw more of this guy than I wanted to. Obviously, upset, I confronted her and she readily admitted to the affair. In a not-to-bright, rather foolish display I told the kids we were getting divorced.

    Fast forward 2 hours she had taken the kids out for a couple of hours so that I could cool down and process everything. In 2 hours time, I knew what had to be done and she came back, we sat down with the kids and told them how things were going to change.

    My ex-wife and I sat down and mapped everything out. I was only taking my electronics and leather chair. I didn't want to disrupt the kids' lives by selling everything or making this harder for them.

    While there is more to the story, I figured I would end with this: my ex-wife and I are amicable and I even get along with her boyfriend. We do what we need to do for our kids no matter how difficult it may be for us...admittedly, I turned to drinking for a while, before realizing that all that truly matters is that my kids are happy, I am happy, and that my ex-wife finds the happiness that I could not provide. I am happy to say that the drinking has been substantially decreased and life is great.
  • I'm in the middle of that rebuilding. My adopted son was 4 when the now former spouse filed for divorce in January 2008 and finalized a month later. Because of my arrested development disorder I never learned how to be an adult, let alone a dad, so my son never had a father to begin with. While it made walking away and giving it all up easier on everyone, there are still a lot of "what could have been" moments and regrets. We can't turn back the clock, though, so we move on.
  • Wow man, talk about baring your soul. I hope and pray this is something I never have to go through, but in some strange way am looking forward to hearing the rest of what you have to say on this topic.
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